Tonight is bittersweet. I get to leave this place – but I’ve been here 33 days straight and have some crazy memories here. Tomorrow I could win, or I could lose. My emotions are stirred in a magnetic frenzy – polar opposite feelings crumbling like powder.
Alyssa and I were surprised tonight with some special guests at dinner. Her dad, his girlfriend and my dad joined us for dinner in our humble abode. It was pretty amazing. It was very releasing to hug my dad and as soon as I walked in he had tears in his eyes. (I guess we’re emotional guys). My mom couldn’t make it – she had to work, but before work she stopped by and I sort of lost it. I became “emotionally razzled” to quote Alyssa, because it was a very climactical moment for me. I began thinking of how lucky I am to have her and all of the factors that play into our relationship – how every thing she had to overcome helped her to love me unconditionally. When she left I could still feel her love radiating. I remembered some fights we had growing up – and how I find it ironic that I am here in this contest to win a prize that will ultimately allow me to get surgery – and how my mother was not willing to accept my transition at first. I got pretty choked up when I thought about how much she supports me know – and even how she made sure I knew I was loved when she disagreed with my pursuits. I thought back to some messy breakups I had with girls way back when, and how it was then I resolved that my mother would always be my number one woman; that I should never allow romantic relationships to come between me and my parents. Those two branches on my family tree. (Which reminds me of some lyrics I wrote called Family Tree way back towards the beginning of my first semester of freshman year at UT – I wish I could post it in here to give everyone A) a taste of my other style and B) the breakdown of my feelings about my transition and how my family supports me).
Anyways my dad told me about Vermont. He told me that there were people from his church following this competition and some guys from his job too. I laughed – I really have no clue who watches this. I think if I knew of someone in this competition and I was online and bored how I probably would switch on the web cams. And then I weird myself out and try not to think about it – tomorrow at this time I can pick wedgies at my own leisure
I’m trying to keep this last blog simple and light – I’m very excited to go back and read what everyone else said in his or her blogs tomorrow night, no matter how everything turns out at the finale.
This experience was absolutely worth it though, not matter what. I’ve felt emotions I never knew could be felt. I’ve found writing material the luckiest writers couldn’t stumble upon. I’ve made friends and found supporters. Hopefully I’ve helped show people something new. I’ve learned so much from simply interacting with everyone else that was in here. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m proud of myself and know that this experience will be something I can tell everyone about.
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings’ end.”
- flirtatious taz
P.S. Wanted to shout everyone out one last time – Sean it was nice to see you tonight – I appreciate what you and Court are doing. Lydia and fam – thanks for showin love. L-Ford and Kassondra, Mrs. Harrington, Max, Louisa and mom – thanks for everything – you guys provided entertainment and reassurance – love the LSS taz… he’s keeping Taziker company – which leads me to thank Whitney (and Maddie), Peyton, Mary-Kate, Brooke and Karlie for all of the support you ladies showed everyone. Mr. O’Connor and Adam – thanks for keeping it real. I loved to try and get you guys to laugh – I hope you found that when I failed miserably it was still entertaining. I wanted to dish out a huge thanks for the Fly Community College faculty and staff – Brian, Chrissy, Jim, Terry, Papa Chabs, Mar, Tanch, Scotty Bones, Dean Jackie, Kelly, Eric V, Special K, K Money, Jim Cerqua, Nina, Caitlin, Sue, Molly, Kiki, Melissa, Kim (and Mahagony), Rob, Asher, Ramel, Baby Bear, SUSAN!! and everyone else – you guys put forth a lot more than I’m sure anyone realizes and I wanted you guys to know that I really appreciate it. This experience was so unique and I love to think that not many others get this opportunity – if anyone else at all has had tenancy for 33 days at a mall in such bizarre circumstances. In essence it was a blast and you guys deserve recognition. Stephen from Salad Creations – honestly thank you for feeding me. All the sponsors – Boscov’s, Wendy’s, Vitamin Water, Mohawk Honda, Colonie East, Hannoush Jewelers, SEFCU, Clifton Park Center and all the others – just thank you for everything. So worth it – hope you enjoyed following.
Adam, Rachel, Julie, Brian and Jon – props on coming back to visit and being chill – it shows a lot to everyone about your character – see you guys tomorrow
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
and then there were two
8 A.M. was not my peak and anyone that was watching or listening can assure you of that. It was the most tense I have been in this competition. I honestly did not know how to react. The verdict was that Jon and I both had two votes coming against us to be expelled. We needed to plea our cases to Alyssa who was the RA. I was flustered, flushed and dizzy. I feel extremely fortunate to be here in the Final 2. And also, of course, uneasy; there had to be a reason why Alyssa wanted to bring me into Final 2. I think she feels like she’ll get more votes from the jury – and I honestly can’t even begin to gage how I think the votes will sway. But I am concerned. I was very put off by getting the listener vote, and would actually prefer to suppress that from my memory, and hope that it had to do with Jon’s impervious humor.
Anyways, I’m at least happy that Alyssa and I are close, seeing as how we’re swimming in this tank for a couple of days with pretty much one another for human contact. It is such an indescribable emotion to have become so close with someone, but to know it is either you or them who will take everything home. As desperate as I was to make it this far and to make it all the way, I was dissatisfied with my competitive nature when I realized that I could not even be entirely heart-broken if Alyssa won it all. Her story has been called compelling over and over again – and I couldn’t agree more. She is one of the most passionate people I have ever met; her ambition is intimidating and inspiring. I feel honored to sit with her at Final 2, no matter what the outcome, and I am extremely proud of her for the example she is setting for young women.
It is a brand new challenge to express my sentiments on why I feel I deserve to win this without coming across as either conceited, sob story-esque or just plain beggy. I figure my best bet is to continue doing what I’ve been trying to do all along: explain my circumstances with G (sometimes PG) – rated analogies and hope that readers and listeners fill in the blanks. I try to let people see me for who I am.
We figured out that every time we get and interview, they basically tell us ‘OK you got thirty seconds to tell the Capital Region why you deserve to win’ so we wrote out our thoughts ahead of time, so here are some of the things I said on the radio today, if you missed it: (verbatim and unabridged)
So think of the first thing you learn growing up – think of how you identify yourself and what sort of frame of reference this provides you with. How that identity plays into everything. Think of growing up feeling one way, and having society tell you to feel another based on something as uncontrollable as skin color or age. It takes a fair amount of fighting to prove to people that you’re right, that how you feel isn’t a phase or a sin.
It’s an age-old cliché that all that matters is what’s on the inside – we’re all taught this growing up, but for some reason it’s easier said than done (and ironically, some of those who teach it are unable to practice what they preach). I’m trying to straighten out this unneeded drama – I’m ready for a clean slate, to be able to legally introduce myself as Theo and not panic about the first day of classes, sitting in a waiting room, applying for a job or receiving mail. To not be concerned about which restroom to use in public and any other social ambiguities related to the simply complicated theory of gender. (I mean when selecting a public restroom, I’m generally inclined to enter the door that doesn’t have the stick figure in a dress on the front; how this catalyzes legal issues is beyond me).
It’s not easy to transition. Trans angst is a fertile soil watered by the double takes, the whispers, shrugs and nervous laughs. It is a part of my story – like my whole life is a transition, but it’s not me – just a part of me that I need to overcome every day. I won’t try to deny that the process is enduring in many aspects. Mentally, physically, spiritually, socially, and financially. When you want something bad enough, however, it is yours. I hate needles but take my medicine. I don’t like that the former religious figures in my life disapprove of my actions, but only God can judge me.
I’m about to do big things, entering my second year of college. I want to begin to make a name for myself. It’s not really in my nature to be quiet or shy, but sometimes when you draw attention, it can quickly turn into a negative attention. I find it to be a paradoxal situation because I am very confident in who I am, but I hate what I am and the labels and stigma that come along with it. I’ve been ready for a while now to shed that ‘what factor’ and start my abnormal in a normal way lifestyle.
I could probably go on about that for pages (and hopefully I will one day with more eloquent diction, of course). Obviously I’m here to win.
They changed up the text for the Final 2 – you’re voting for who you want to win.
If you’re rooting for Alyssa, text LSS Alyssa to 84-444.
If you want me to win, text LSS Taz to 84-444.
I appreciate everyone’s support and love like no one could believe. (It was awesome to see the Golden’s and company today – best of luck to everyone with this upcoming year, and thanks for showing love ) Also thanks you to Loni and Karen for reassuring me my scrivolous efforts do not go in vain – Albany is a nice area – maybe I’ll see you at some open mics so I can see your writing. I’m psyched to leave Friday and catch up with everyone.
Tomorrow night is the last blog – so until then.
- Flirtatious Taz
(A.K.A. Sir Taz the Tease – dubbed by my future wifey, who oddly enough is texting Alyssa’s name right now haha)
In a P.S. mad props to Jon who came back to show some love – hope you get the job, see you Friday at the finale
Which reminds me in a P.P.S. the finale is at Clifton Park Center at 4 P.M.
Anyways, I’m at least happy that Alyssa and I are close, seeing as how we’re swimming in this tank for a couple of days with pretty much one another for human contact. It is such an indescribable emotion to have become so close with someone, but to know it is either you or them who will take everything home. As desperate as I was to make it this far and to make it all the way, I was dissatisfied with my competitive nature when I realized that I could not even be entirely heart-broken if Alyssa won it all. Her story has been called compelling over and over again – and I couldn’t agree more. She is one of the most passionate people I have ever met; her ambition is intimidating and inspiring. I feel honored to sit with her at Final 2, no matter what the outcome, and I am extremely proud of her for the example she is setting for young women.
It is a brand new challenge to express my sentiments on why I feel I deserve to win this without coming across as either conceited, sob story-esque or just plain beggy. I figure my best bet is to continue doing what I’ve been trying to do all along: explain my circumstances with G (sometimes PG) – rated analogies and hope that readers and listeners fill in the blanks. I try to let people see me for who I am.
We figured out that every time we get and interview, they basically tell us ‘OK you got thirty seconds to tell the Capital Region why you deserve to win’ so we wrote out our thoughts ahead of time, so here are some of the things I said on the radio today, if you missed it: (verbatim and unabridged)
So think of the first thing you learn growing up – think of how you identify yourself and what sort of frame of reference this provides you with. How that identity plays into everything. Think of growing up feeling one way, and having society tell you to feel another based on something as uncontrollable as skin color or age. It takes a fair amount of fighting to prove to people that you’re right, that how you feel isn’t a phase or a sin.
It’s an age-old cliché that all that matters is what’s on the inside – we’re all taught this growing up, but for some reason it’s easier said than done (and ironically, some of those who teach it are unable to practice what they preach). I’m trying to straighten out this unneeded drama – I’m ready for a clean slate, to be able to legally introduce myself as Theo and not panic about the first day of classes, sitting in a waiting room, applying for a job or receiving mail. To not be concerned about which restroom to use in public and any other social ambiguities related to the simply complicated theory of gender. (I mean when selecting a public restroom, I’m generally inclined to enter the door that doesn’t have the stick figure in a dress on the front; how this catalyzes legal issues is beyond me).
It’s not easy to transition. Trans angst is a fertile soil watered by the double takes, the whispers, shrugs and nervous laughs. It is a part of my story – like my whole life is a transition, but it’s not me – just a part of me that I need to overcome every day. I won’t try to deny that the process is enduring in many aspects. Mentally, physically, spiritually, socially, and financially. When you want something bad enough, however, it is yours. I hate needles but take my medicine. I don’t like that the former religious figures in my life disapprove of my actions, but only God can judge me.
I’m about to do big things, entering my second year of college. I want to begin to make a name for myself. It’s not really in my nature to be quiet or shy, but sometimes when you draw attention, it can quickly turn into a negative attention. I find it to be a paradoxal situation because I am very confident in who I am, but I hate what I am and the labels and stigma that come along with it. I’ve been ready for a while now to shed that ‘what factor’ and start my abnormal in a normal way lifestyle.
I could probably go on about that for pages (and hopefully I will one day with more eloquent diction, of course). Obviously I’m here to win.
They changed up the text for the Final 2 – you’re voting for who you want to win.
If you’re rooting for Alyssa, text LSS Alyssa to 84-444.
If you want me to win, text LSS Taz to 84-444.
I appreciate everyone’s support and love like no one could believe. (It was awesome to see the Golden’s and company today – best of luck to everyone with this upcoming year, and thanks for showing love ) Also thanks you to Loni and Karen for reassuring me my scrivolous efforts do not go in vain – Albany is a nice area – maybe I’ll see you at some open mics so I can see your writing. I’m psyched to leave Friday and catch up with everyone.
Tomorrow night is the last blog – so until then.
- Flirtatious Taz
(A.K.A. Sir Taz the Tease – dubbed by my future wifey, who oddly enough is texting Alyssa’s name right now haha)
In a P.S. mad props to Jon who came back to show some love – hope you get the job, see you Friday at the finale
Which reminds me in a P.P.S. the finale is at Clifton Park Center at 4 P.M.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Small worded blog so B codes can decode
I have decided to write this blog as if it were any other, and in English so that Brian Cody can understand it. I am trying my hardest to refuse to believe that this could be my last blog.
Today’s mission was the sickest yet, by far. Adirondack Extreme Adventure Course gave us the challenge of the season in my opinion. Suited up in harnesses, Alyssa Jon and I individually raced over bridges and zip lines, making sure to always have a carabineer attached to some sort of safety cable and essentially battling for the lowest time to determine who would win immunity. The wooden platforms were slick from rain as upstate New York flaunted her aesthetics. Abstinence Adam and Dorm Room mom Lisa teamed up with The Morning Rush to try and peg us with water balloons. I felt confident going through the course, and everyone told me I had Alyssa outpaced, but I guess I got hung up at the end and lost some valuable time. I thought the most difficult part was trying not to get a safety DQ resulting in a thirty second penalty – so staying focused on that may have caused me some time too. I can’t wait to see the video on youtube. So props to Alyssa for winning this one (I think she is subconsciously initiating a feminist movement in the Capital Region), she is a competitor.
There are some crazy nerves about tomorrow’s vote-off. Jon seems fairly confident that he’s leaving, but I’m not sure who Alyssa thinks she can beat in the final 2. Obviously Jon and I have to vote for one another, everything really depends on Alyssa’s vote, but also, more crucially, the Listener’s Vote. That was when things really sank in – when Baby Bear made me say on air for everyone to text in to vote Jon off. I didn’t like that feeling, and for a fleeting moment re-considered any notions I may have ever had to become a lobbyist. Anyways, it’s pretty difficult to gage what the Capital Region thinks of me, my efforts here at LSS and also my reasoning on why I deserve to win. All I can do is hope. D-Cross and Neuby were showin some love again today, which I appreciated. And I also got to see some friends I haven’t seen in a while. I have no idea what sort of circumstance would bring them to Clifton Park, if they had been following LSS or anything. But it was interesting nonetheless, and it inspired me to resolve that if I do make it into the Final 2, once I’m in here I should deeply consider everyone I’ve ever brushed shoulders with. There are a lot of people who have helped me out – some in more obvious ways than others. I’m not sure if I’ve always shown my appreciation, so I was thinking I could write up some thank you letters. (Bearing in mind I would probably do the same if I wasn’t in the Final 2 – but just so that I had something to occupy my time). Anyways. I’m not even really quite sure what else to write for now.
My parents are in Vermont* for a couple of days with my dad’s side of the family – I hope everything’s going well for them. I’m aiming at writing again tomorrow night.
- Hoping to be ½ of the student body left comprising FCC ‘08
* Vermont: (fun fact) translates into green mountains from the French Vert Mounts
Monday, August 18, 2008
So I got a lot of Love on day 29
So I got a lot of love to send out here on day 29. Huge shout out to Meghan J appreciate the sign. Stephen from Salad Creations, you’ve been awesome about hooking us up with bomb-diggity dinners. I would totally check out your opening Septemeber 4th or 5th if I were going to be in town. Pedone family – you always come through for me even when I’m trapped in a glass house; the brownies are sensational. Not to mention the string for friendship bracelets helped today go by which is a huge plus because of all our anticipation for tomorows Immunity Challenge. I made a red, white and blue anklet (go U.S.A!) Bath and Body – your brownies are also delectable. Also Kate Sharp – we’ve never met, but your word search smells like flowers in spring. I think we would get along – I was touched by your gesture and find that your demonstration of kindness, even towards your friends’ “enemies” proves you to be both thoughtful and romantic. I may have to patent some type of pun-ful name related to your actions, but I will think of it at another time. Lydia – I hope your vaca is a blast. I shouted you out at 9:15 – you know I’m not the most punctual…
Yes Adam, I would prefer moobs.
And so things are winding down and tensing up. My head and stomach ran a marathon searching for some sort of clue about what the final challenge will be like. I keep on molding all these different options in my mind’s eye that twist and turn leading me to hope I can break into the final 2. I’ve made it this far and without being overly confident, I’m trying to have some faith in myself here. I realize it’s going to take belief.
Looking back from today, I have no regrets. Yeah sure maybe people know some things about me that make my life a little more awkward, but I can toughen up and ignore petty retorts aimed to bring me down. I have so far, and from the support I’ve been shown, even from random strangers, I have to say it has become worth it. I’m still praying to God (assuming he or she and I are still on OK terms since my imfamous/inumerable Sunday school fiascos, oh so long ago) that my story can some how Butterfly Effect the general public to be chill; to understand a cause that I attempted to shy away from for a while. If people take anything away from me I hope it would just be to coexist.
We ended up finding a movie today on Lifetime Movie Network about a transitioning male to female (MTF) with an extremely strict, traditional family. In the end, the family was supportive, but the community would not try to understand – and it was too late for Gwen (previously Eddie). I didn’t catch the name of the flick, but it definetly hit home and made me appreciate my circumstances and support systems.
Anyways, I got tomorrow to say my good-byes if need be, so good night for now. Love you mom and dad. I’m fighting tomorrow.
- Tazeo
Eleven eleven
Yes Adam, I would prefer moobs.
And so things are winding down and tensing up. My head and stomach ran a marathon searching for some sort of clue about what the final challenge will be like. I keep on molding all these different options in my mind’s eye that twist and turn leading me to hope I can break into the final 2. I’ve made it this far and without being overly confident, I’m trying to have some faith in myself here. I realize it’s going to take belief.
Looking back from today, I have no regrets. Yeah sure maybe people know some things about me that make my life a little more awkward, but I can toughen up and ignore petty retorts aimed to bring me down. I have so far, and from the support I’ve been shown, even from random strangers, I have to say it has become worth it. I’m still praying to God (assuming he or she and I are still on OK terms since my imfamous/inumerable Sunday school fiascos, oh so long ago) that my story can some how Butterfly Effect the general public to be chill; to understand a cause that I attempted to shy away from for a while. If people take anything away from me I hope it would just be to coexist.
We ended up finding a movie today on Lifetime Movie Network about a transitioning male to female (MTF) with an extremely strict, traditional family. In the end, the family was supportive, but the community would not try to understand – and it was too late for Gwen (previously Eddie). I didn’t catch the name of the flick, but it definetly hit home and made me appreciate my circumstances and support systems.
Anyways, I got tomorrow to say my good-byes if need be, so good night for now. Love you mom and dad. I’m fighting tomorrow.
- Tazeo
Eleven eleven
Sunday, August 17, 2008
I prefer 2
I find it interesting that I write these blogs blindly every night, completely unaware if they are read by anyone other than my parents and some friends. I sincerely hope those who do read them understand that the magnitude of this experience cannot be expressed through random web cam angles, various on-air interviews and even daily posts via Internet, which supposedly capture the contestant’s innermost thoughts.
It would be ridiculous to assume that even if contestant A were reminiscing with contestant B about each and every realization they felt during this experience, that they might be able to grasp it more than partially.
It would be similar to having A and B ride a roller coaster, (A detests thrill rides and B loves them but ate too much for lunch) and then have them discuss on a given day how the amusment park adventures went. We each change every moment, learn every day and are only permitted to view this world through our own set of eyes. Sometimes I feel like it would be more benificial if we could use one eye to see things from someone eles’s perspective, hear things twice in slow motion and speak only after our brain decided that what we had to say was either critically constructive or far-fetchedly kind.
You may protest, “It’s impossible to always be nice.” And I agree and it may even get boring. But that is no excuse for why we should be so much more apt to believe we are always correct. “Seek first to understand rather than to be understood.”
And after considering all of that; who reads these postings and what it means for me and even my fate regarding this contest, I think of corny things I could write to sway the general public. Just kidding. The power of groups can be both dangerous and enormous and I would never take that risk in fear that someone may miss my sarcasm (due to the lack of tone in my typing) and interpret my swing at humor for conceitedness.
So after considering that, I think everyone should know what they would say if they were granted ten minutes to addres the world. I hope that everyone would think of what they would say, and that they would be able to come up with something that took ten minutes. I hope that after discovering what he or she stands for, that they would constantly remind themselves of how they could exemplify their values. To lead by example. And I hope that no one would consider this blog preacher-ific because I’m going off on a tangent, but that they realize if I did indeed have some way to communicate to the masses, that it would probably include something along these lines. Which leads me to this:
2 as in also
like also with youor also too muchas in too manybecause temperance is a virtue. 2 as in bias in bi focals like 2 ways of looking at things like bi sexuals only rimmed with more structure and less peeping.2 as in peace but not piece of mind or piece of anything else because this too is too sexual (no not bi sexual) simply too sexual to be a virtue. peace like two fingers world peace one love, for you and me, so two together.2 as in preparatory of infinitive, like to dance to kiss or to rain too hard. (which is a double standard)2 as in the number like a magic number too magical to notice2 as in existence like to be or not to be, or maybe as in nonexistence. as in 2D.2 hemispheres divided into two colors or two notions too unmagical to notice that i too am too important not to exude fortitude (which also is a virtue) to save all those too shy not towith 2 hands up two fingers on each pointing to the skyto wait to wonder to demand
So word, take it how you will. Until tomorrow.
-Tazby The Scrivener
It would be ridiculous to assume that even if contestant A were reminiscing with contestant B about each and every realization they felt during this experience, that they might be able to grasp it more than partially.
It would be similar to having A and B ride a roller coaster, (A detests thrill rides and B loves them but ate too much for lunch) and then have them discuss on a given day how the amusment park adventures went. We each change every moment, learn every day and are only permitted to view this world through our own set of eyes. Sometimes I feel like it would be more benificial if we could use one eye to see things from someone eles’s perspective, hear things twice in slow motion and speak only after our brain decided that what we had to say was either critically constructive or far-fetchedly kind.
You may protest, “It’s impossible to always be nice.” And I agree and it may even get boring. But that is no excuse for why we should be so much more apt to believe we are always correct. “Seek first to understand rather than to be understood.”
And after considering all of that; who reads these postings and what it means for me and even my fate regarding this contest, I think of corny things I could write to sway the general public. Just kidding. The power of groups can be both dangerous and enormous and I would never take that risk in fear that someone may miss my sarcasm (due to the lack of tone in my typing) and interpret my swing at humor for conceitedness.
So after considering that, I think everyone should know what they would say if they were granted ten minutes to addres the world. I hope that everyone would think of what they would say, and that they would be able to come up with something that took ten minutes. I hope that after discovering what he or she stands for, that they would constantly remind themselves of how they could exemplify their values. To lead by example. And I hope that no one would consider this blog preacher-ific because I’m going off on a tangent, but that they realize if I did indeed have some way to communicate to the masses, that it would probably include something along these lines. Which leads me to this:
2 as in also
like also with youor also too muchas in too manybecause temperance is a virtue. 2 as in bias in bi focals like 2 ways of looking at things like bi sexuals only rimmed with more structure and less peeping.2 as in peace but not piece of mind or piece of anything else because this too is too sexual (no not bi sexual) simply too sexual to be a virtue. peace like two fingers world peace one love, for you and me, so two together.2 as in preparatory of infinitive, like to dance to kiss or to rain too hard. (which is a double standard)2 as in the number like a magic number too magical to notice2 as in existence like to be or not to be, or maybe as in nonexistence. as in 2D.2 hemispheres divided into two colors or two notions too unmagical to notice that i too am too important not to exude fortitude (which also is a virtue) to save all those too shy not towith 2 hands up two fingers on each pointing to the skyto wait to wonder to demand
So word, take it how you will. Until tomorrow.
-Tazby The Scrivener
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Playing Hard To Get With The Night
Day 27.
This glass dorm room has served as a melting pot. The recipe works in reverse while the ingredients are extracted. Not much cooking tonight. We’re watching The Notebook and I get a strange feeling in my stomach – I’m starting to realize how much of hopeless romantic I am. I’m not even longing for a relationship – I’m single now for the first time in a while and I just feel like I need to exercise some chivalry in my life. I used to live vicariously through my writing and it looks like history repeats itself.
All my friends surround me; we’re in a limo and we’re on our way anywhere to play hard to get with the night. Summer air seeps in and brushes your hair away from your eyes and brings it up onto my shoulder like the tide. We watch the city flash by and laugh with our friends – your waves keep crashing. Bass from clubs are pulsing and controlling our heartbeats, we catch eachothers eye and smile as involuntarily as drawing a breath. Doors are opened for us, but our arms are locked and we stroll in smooth like poetry hovering with coolness over a steamy dance floor. This night feels like an accumilation of romantic karma. The tax return of rough break ups and deposited dates. It scares you how you have no say in your emotions, but you trust it realizing that it is in this absence of direction that you can flirt with a breeze and allow him to entertain your sails.
There is an epiphinanic satisfaction that overwhelms you once you trust in fate. It is when you begin to attempt to alter your destiny that you over-analyze whether or not you are living or loving incorrectly. When you know, you just know. You are released from doubts and uncertainty; while you still may be insecure, that is where faith picks up. Trust.
This glass dorm room has served as a melting pot. The recipe works in reverse while the ingredients are extracted. Not much cooking tonight. We’re watching The Notebook and I get a strange feeling in my stomach – I’m starting to realize how much of hopeless romantic I am. I’m not even longing for a relationship – I’m single now for the first time in a while and I just feel like I need to exercise some chivalry in my life. I used to live vicariously through my writing and it looks like history repeats itself.
All my friends surround me; we’re in a limo and we’re on our way anywhere to play hard to get with the night. Summer air seeps in and brushes your hair away from your eyes and brings it up onto my shoulder like the tide. We watch the city flash by and laugh with our friends – your waves keep crashing. Bass from clubs are pulsing and controlling our heartbeats, we catch eachothers eye and smile as involuntarily as drawing a breath. Doors are opened for us, but our arms are locked and we stroll in smooth like poetry hovering with coolness over a steamy dance floor. This night feels like an accumilation of romantic karma. The tax return of rough break ups and deposited dates. It scares you how you have no say in your emotions, but you trust it realizing that it is in this absence of direction that you can flirt with a breeze and allow him to entertain your sails.
There is an epiphinanic satisfaction that overwhelms you once you trust in fate. It is when you begin to attempt to alter your destiny that you over-analyze whether or not you are living or loving incorrectly. When you know, you just know. You are released from doubts and uncertainty; while you still may be insecure, that is where faith picks up. Trust.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Taziker, Sportsmanship, icy upper arm pit joints, and Abu
Day 26 and we have the introduction of a new cast member: Taziker*
So it’s an interesting day as far as emotions are concerned. It was suckier than ever to see Adam go (pardon my worsening grammar). He did pose a huge mental threat in my opinion, but it is a game. He understood this and went out with an incredibly honorable attitude. He wrote a note for everyone to part peacefully and in a light hearted tone. I absolutely admire him for it because I’m not sure how I would have handled that situation. Not to mention he returned to the dorm bearing gifts. I’m glad I can look forward to hanging out with him as a friend in about a week.
I think me Alyssa and Jon have a unique chemistry in this dorm. I’ve noticed Jon becoming more and more outgoing since when he first arrived, and I find him extremely charismatic. He and Alyssa got to go to the Giant’s Training Camp this evening, which I had overcomed being bitter about, not that I wasn’t jealous that they could leave the dorm. But it was weird being in here all by myself, I was chillen on the couch watching T.V. and the dinner rush walked outside the mall window just kind of watching me watch T.V. Bizarre. Marissa called me for an interview and asked if I had the opportunity to discuss any game strategy with myself while I had privacy. She realized I was bored and thus came by to visit which was nice because I thoroughly enjoy her ever-present sarcasm. But from here on out I’m given her the icy upper-armpit joint*
I question how close Jon and Alyssa have become between their massage date and Training Camp adventure, but I’m not terribly concerned. We still have the whole weekend and a perks challenge to go through before the immunity challenge which is when I really need to figure out how I’m gonna pair up with whom. It seems a little early for them to form any sort of alliance, plus a lot can happen even in a small glass dorm room in a matter of hours.
Upon the return of Jon and Alyssa we watched some T.V. and I fell asleep. I wasn’t feeling so hot for a little – woke up in a sweat. I think its mentality breaking through my skin so to speak. I fell into a strange mood for a while. It’s probably unhealthy to go without any form of physcial affection for so long. But it seemed to me like I was on the outside of the three of us remaning and it was just a little uneasiness I was playing around with. It passed and I’m trying to keep my head up. I’m just tired but maybe this weekend I can do some push-ups and abs to revitalize my body. I hate feeling like a vegetable in here. Maybe I’ll get some special visitors. It’s strange to say – but I even miss Abu*
I’ll be sure to attempt a profound script tomorrow.
Big shout out to Sue, Angelo, Daniella, Nikki and Christina – can’t wait for the brownies.
- Tazwald Cornelius Maximus I
* Taziker: my lovely Teddy bear
* Icy upper-armpit joint: cold shoulder
* Abu: My mom’s maltese (named for the monkey from Aladin) that usually pesters the blog outta me, but that I could probably use some kisses from
So it’s an interesting day as far as emotions are concerned. It was suckier than ever to see Adam go (pardon my worsening grammar). He did pose a huge mental threat in my opinion, but it is a game. He understood this and went out with an incredibly honorable attitude. He wrote a note for everyone to part peacefully and in a light hearted tone. I absolutely admire him for it because I’m not sure how I would have handled that situation. Not to mention he returned to the dorm bearing gifts. I’m glad I can look forward to hanging out with him as a friend in about a week.
I think me Alyssa and Jon have a unique chemistry in this dorm. I’ve noticed Jon becoming more and more outgoing since when he first arrived, and I find him extremely charismatic. He and Alyssa got to go to the Giant’s Training Camp this evening, which I had overcomed being bitter about, not that I wasn’t jealous that they could leave the dorm. But it was weird being in here all by myself, I was chillen on the couch watching T.V. and the dinner rush walked outside the mall window just kind of watching me watch T.V. Bizarre. Marissa called me for an interview and asked if I had the opportunity to discuss any game strategy with myself while I had privacy. She realized I was bored and thus came by to visit which was nice because I thoroughly enjoy her ever-present sarcasm. But from here on out I’m given her the icy upper-armpit joint*
I question how close Jon and Alyssa have become between their massage date and Training Camp adventure, but I’m not terribly concerned. We still have the whole weekend and a perks challenge to go through before the immunity challenge which is when I really need to figure out how I’m gonna pair up with whom. It seems a little early for them to form any sort of alliance, plus a lot can happen even in a small glass dorm room in a matter of hours.
Upon the return of Jon and Alyssa we watched some T.V. and I fell asleep. I wasn’t feeling so hot for a little – woke up in a sweat. I think its mentality breaking through my skin so to speak. I fell into a strange mood for a while. It’s probably unhealthy to go without any form of physcial affection for so long. But it seemed to me like I was on the outside of the three of us remaning and it was just a little uneasiness I was playing around with. It passed and I’m trying to keep my head up. I’m just tired but maybe this weekend I can do some push-ups and abs to revitalize my body. I hate feeling like a vegetable in here. Maybe I’ll get some special visitors. It’s strange to say – but I even miss Abu*
I’ll be sure to attempt a profound script tomorrow.
Big shout out to Sue, Angelo, Daniella, Nikki and Christina – can’t wait for the brownies.
- Tazwald Cornelius Maximus I
* Taziker: my lovely Teddy bear
* Icy upper-armpit joint: cold shoulder
* Abu: My mom’s maltese (named for the monkey from Aladin) that usually pesters the blog outta me, but that I could probably use some kisses from
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