Tonight is bittersweet. I get to leave this place – but I’ve been here 33 days straight and have some crazy memories here. Tomorrow I could win, or I could lose. My emotions are stirred in a magnetic frenzy – polar opposite feelings crumbling like powder.
Alyssa and I were surprised tonight with some special guests at dinner. Her dad, his girlfriend and my dad joined us for dinner in our humble abode. It was pretty amazing. It was very releasing to hug my dad and as soon as I walked in he had tears in his eyes. (I guess we’re emotional guys). My mom couldn’t make it – she had to work, but before work she stopped by and I sort of lost it. I became “emotionally razzled” to quote Alyssa, because it was a very climactical moment for me. I began thinking of how lucky I am to have her and all of the factors that play into our relationship – how every thing she had to overcome helped her to love me unconditionally. When she left I could still feel her love radiating. I remembered some fights we had growing up – and how I find it ironic that I am here in this contest to win a prize that will ultimately allow me to get surgery – and how my mother was not willing to accept my transition at first. I got pretty choked up when I thought about how much she supports me know – and even how she made sure I knew I was loved when she disagreed with my pursuits. I thought back to some messy breakups I had with girls way back when, and how it was then I resolved that my mother would always be my number one woman; that I should never allow romantic relationships to come between me and my parents. Those two branches on my family tree. (Which reminds me of some lyrics I wrote called Family Tree way back towards the beginning of my first semester of freshman year at UT – I wish I could post it in here to give everyone A) a taste of my other style and B) the breakdown of my feelings about my transition and how my family supports me).
Anyways my dad told me about Vermont. He told me that there were people from his church following this competition and some guys from his job too. I laughed – I really have no clue who watches this. I think if I knew of someone in this competition and I was online and bored how I probably would switch on the web cams. And then I weird myself out and try not to think about it – tomorrow at this time I can pick wedgies at my own leisure
I’m trying to keep this last blog simple and light – I’m very excited to go back and read what everyone else said in his or her blogs tomorrow night, no matter how everything turns out at the finale.
This experience was absolutely worth it though, not matter what. I’ve felt emotions I never knew could be felt. I’ve found writing material the luckiest writers couldn’t stumble upon. I’ve made friends and found supporters. Hopefully I’ve helped show people something new. I’ve learned so much from simply interacting with everyone else that was in here. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m proud of myself and know that this experience will be something I can tell everyone about.
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings’ end.”
- flirtatious taz
P.S. Wanted to shout everyone out one last time – Sean it was nice to see you tonight – I appreciate what you and Court are doing. Lydia and fam – thanks for showin love. L-Ford and Kassondra, Mrs. Harrington, Max, Louisa and mom – thanks for everything – you guys provided entertainment and reassurance – love the LSS taz… he’s keeping Taziker company – which leads me to thank Whitney (and Maddie), Peyton, Mary-Kate, Brooke and Karlie for all of the support you ladies showed everyone. Mr. O’Connor and Adam – thanks for keeping it real. I loved to try and get you guys to laugh – I hope you found that when I failed miserably it was still entertaining. I wanted to dish out a huge thanks for the Fly Community College faculty and staff – Brian, Chrissy, Jim, Terry, Papa Chabs, Mar, Tanch, Scotty Bones, Dean Jackie, Kelly, Eric V, Special K, K Money, Jim Cerqua, Nina, Caitlin, Sue, Molly, Kiki, Melissa, Kim (and Mahagony), Rob, Asher, Ramel, Baby Bear, SUSAN!! and everyone else – you guys put forth a lot more than I’m sure anyone realizes and I wanted you guys to know that I really appreciate it. This experience was so unique and I love to think that not many others get this opportunity – if anyone else at all has had tenancy for 33 days at a mall in such bizarre circumstances. In essence it was a blast and you guys deserve recognition. Stephen from Salad Creations – honestly thank you for feeding me. All the sponsors – Boscov’s, Wendy’s, Vitamin Water, Mohawk Honda, Colonie East, Hannoush Jewelers, SEFCU, Clifton Park Center and all the others – just thank you for everything. So worth it – hope you enjoyed following.
Adam, Rachel, Julie, Brian and Jon – props on coming back to visit and being chill – it shows a lot to everyone about your character – see you guys tomorrow
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
and then there were two
8 A.M. was not my peak and anyone that was watching or listening can assure you of that. It was the most tense I have been in this competition. I honestly did not know how to react. The verdict was that Jon and I both had two votes coming against us to be expelled. We needed to plea our cases to Alyssa who was the RA. I was flustered, flushed and dizzy. I feel extremely fortunate to be here in the Final 2. And also, of course, uneasy; there had to be a reason why Alyssa wanted to bring me into Final 2. I think she feels like she’ll get more votes from the jury – and I honestly can’t even begin to gage how I think the votes will sway. But I am concerned. I was very put off by getting the listener vote, and would actually prefer to suppress that from my memory, and hope that it had to do with Jon’s impervious humor.
Anyways, I’m at least happy that Alyssa and I are close, seeing as how we’re swimming in this tank for a couple of days with pretty much one another for human contact. It is such an indescribable emotion to have become so close with someone, but to know it is either you or them who will take everything home. As desperate as I was to make it this far and to make it all the way, I was dissatisfied with my competitive nature when I realized that I could not even be entirely heart-broken if Alyssa won it all. Her story has been called compelling over and over again – and I couldn’t agree more. She is one of the most passionate people I have ever met; her ambition is intimidating and inspiring. I feel honored to sit with her at Final 2, no matter what the outcome, and I am extremely proud of her for the example she is setting for young women.
It is a brand new challenge to express my sentiments on why I feel I deserve to win this without coming across as either conceited, sob story-esque or just plain beggy. I figure my best bet is to continue doing what I’ve been trying to do all along: explain my circumstances with G (sometimes PG) – rated analogies and hope that readers and listeners fill in the blanks. I try to let people see me for who I am.
We figured out that every time we get and interview, they basically tell us ‘OK you got thirty seconds to tell the Capital Region why you deserve to win’ so we wrote out our thoughts ahead of time, so here are some of the things I said on the radio today, if you missed it: (verbatim and unabridged)
So think of the first thing you learn growing up – think of how you identify yourself and what sort of frame of reference this provides you with. How that identity plays into everything. Think of growing up feeling one way, and having society tell you to feel another based on something as uncontrollable as skin color or age. It takes a fair amount of fighting to prove to people that you’re right, that how you feel isn’t a phase or a sin.
It’s an age-old cliché that all that matters is what’s on the inside – we’re all taught this growing up, but for some reason it’s easier said than done (and ironically, some of those who teach it are unable to practice what they preach). I’m trying to straighten out this unneeded drama – I’m ready for a clean slate, to be able to legally introduce myself as Theo and not panic about the first day of classes, sitting in a waiting room, applying for a job or receiving mail. To not be concerned about which restroom to use in public and any other social ambiguities related to the simply complicated theory of gender. (I mean when selecting a public restroom, I’m generally inclined to enter the door that doesn’t have the stick figure in a dress on the front; how this catalyzes legal issues is beyond me).
It’s not easy to transition. Trans angst is a fertile soil watered by the double takes, the whispers, shrugs and nervous laughs. It is a part of my story – like my whole life is a transition, but it’s not me – just a part of me that I need to overcome every day. I won’t try to deny that the process is enduring in many aspects. Mentally, physically, spiritually, socially, and financially. When you want something bad enough, however, it is yours. I hate needles but take my medicine. I don’t like that the former religious figures in my life disapprove of my actions, but only God can judge me.
I’m about to do big things, entering my second year of college. I want to begin to make a name for myself. It’s not really in my nature to be quiet or shy, but sometimes when you draw attention, it can quickly turn into a negative attention. I find it to be a paradoxal situation because I am very confident in who I am, but I hate what I am and the labels and stigma that come along with it. I’ve been ready for a while now to shed that ‘what factor’ and start my abnormal in a normal way lifestyle.
I could probably go on about that for pages (and hopefully I will one day with more eloquent diction, of course). Obviously I’m here to win.
They changed up the text for the Final 2 – you’re voting for who you want to win.
If you’re rooting for Alyssa, text LSS Alyssa to 84-444.
If you want me to win, text LSS Taz to 84-444.
I appreciate everyone’s support and love like no one could believe. (It was awesome to see the Golden’s and company today – best of luck to everyone with this upcoming year, and thanks for showing love ) Also thanks you to Loni and Karen for reassuring me my scrivolous efforts do not go in vain – Albany is a nice area – maybe I’ll see you at some open mics so I can see your writing. I’m psyched to leave Friday and catch up with everyone.
Tomorrow night is the last blog – so until then.
- Flirtatious Taz
(A.K.A. Sir Taz the Tease – dubbed by my future wifey, who oddly enough is texting Alyssa’s name right now haha)
In a P.S. mad props to Jon who came back to show some love – hope you get the job, see you Friday at the finale
Which reminds me in a P.P.S. the finale is at Clifton Park Center at 4 P.M.
Anyways, I’m at least happy that Alyssa and I are close, seeing as how we’re swimming in this tank for a couple of days with pretty much one another for human contact. It is such an indescribable emotion to have become so close with someone, but to know it is either you or them who will take everything home. As desperate as I was to make it this far and to make it all the way, I was dissatisfied with my competitive nature when I realized that I could not even be entirely heart-broken if Alyssa won it all. Her story has been called compelling over and over again – and I couldn’t agree more. She is one of the most passionate people I have ever met; her ambition is intimidating and inspiring. I feel honored to sit with her at Final 2, no matter what the outcome, and I am extremely proud of her for the example she is setting for young women.
It is a brand new challenge to express my sentiments on why I feel I deserve to win this without coming across as either conceited, sob story-esque or just plain beggy. I figure my best bet is to continue doing what I’ve been trying to do all along: explain my circumstances with G (sometimes PG) – rated analogies and hope that readers and listeners fill in the blanks. I try to let people see me for who I am.
We figured out that every time we get and interview, they basically tell us ‘OK you got thirty seconds to tell the Capital Region why you deserve to win’ so we wrote out our thoughts ahead of time, so here are some of the things I said on the radio today, if you missed it: (verbatim and unabridged)
So think of the first thing you learn growing up – think of how you identify yourself and what sort of frame of reference this provides you with. How that identity plays into everything. Think of growing up feeling one way, and having society tell you to feel another based on something as uncontrollable as skin color or age. It takes a fair amount of fighting to prove to people that you’re right, that how you feel isn’t a phase or a sin.
It’s an age-old cliché that all that matters is what’s on the inside – we’re all taught this growing up, but for some reason it’s easier said than done (and ironically, some of those who teach it are unable to practice what they preach). I’m trying to straighten out this unneeded drama – I’m ready for a clean slate, to be able to legally introduce myself as Theo and not panic about the first day of classes, sitting in a waiting room, applying for a job or receiving mail. To not be concerned about which restroom to use in public and any other social ambiguities related to the simply complicated theory of gender. (I mean when selecting a public restroom, I’m generally inclined to enter the door that doesn’t have the stick figure in a dress on the front; how this catalyzes legal issues is beyond me).
It’s not easy to transition. Trans angst is a fertile soil watered by the double takes, the whispers, shrugs and nervous laughs. It is a part of my story – like my whole life is a transition, but it’s not me – just a part of me that I need to overcome every day. I won’t try to deny that the process is enduring in many aspects. Mentally, physically, spiritually, socially, and financially. When you want something bad enough, however, it is yours. I hate needles but take my medicine. I don’t like that the former religious figures in my life disapprove of my actions, but only God can judge me.
I’m about to do big things, entering my second year of college. I want to begin to make a name for myself. It’s not really in my nature to be quiet or shy, but sometimes when you draw attention, it can quickly turn into a negative attention. I find it to be a paradoxal situation because I am very confident in who I am, but I hate what I am and the labels and stigma that come along with it. I’ve been ready for a while now to shed that ‘what factor’ and start my abnormal in a normal way lifestyle.
I could probably go on about that for pages (and hopefully I will one day with more eloquent diction, of course). Obviously I’m here to win.
They changed up the text for the Final 2 – you’re voting for who you want to win.
If you’re rooting for Alyssa, text LSS Alyssa to 84-444.
If you want me to win, text LSS Taz to 84-444.
I appreciate everyone’s support and love like no one could believe. (It was awesome to see the Golden’s and company today – best of luck to everyone with this upcoming year, and thanks for showing love ) Also thanks you to Loni and Karen for reassuring me my scrivolous efforts do not go in vain – Albany is a nice area – maybe I’ll see you at some open mics so I can see your writing. I’m psyched to leave Friday and catch up with everyone.
Tomorrow night is the last blog – so until then.
- Flirtatious Taz
(A.K.A. Sir Taz the Tease – dubbed by my future wifey, who oddly enough is texting Alyssa’s name right now haha)
In a P.S. mad props to Jon who came back to show some love – hope you get the job, see you Friday at the finale
Which reminds me in a P.P.S. the finale is at Clifton Park Center at 4 P.M.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Small worded blog so B codes can decode
I have decided to write this blog as if it were any other, and in English so that Brian Cody can understand it. I am trying my hardest to refuse to believe that this could be my last blog.
Today’s mission was the sickest yet, by far. Adirondack Extreme Adventure Course gave us the challenge of the season in my opinion. Suited up in harnesses, Alyssa Jon and I individually raced over bridges and zip lines, making sure to always have a carabineer attached to some sort of safety cable and essentially battling for the lowest time to determine who would win immunity. The wooden platforms were slick from rain as upstate New York flaunted her aesthetics. Abstinence Adam and Dorm Room mom Lisa teamed up with The Morning Rush to try and peg us with water balloons. I felt confident going through the course, and everyone told me I had Alyssa outpaced, but I guess I got hung up at the end and lost some valuable time. I thought the most difficult part was trying not to get a safety DQ resulting in a thirty second penalty – so staying focused on that may have caused me some time too. I can’t wait to see the video on youtube. So props to Alyssa for winning this one (I think she is subconsciously initiating a feminist movement in the Capital Region), she is a competitor.
There are some crazy nerves about tomorrow’s vote-off. Jon seems fairly confident that he’s leaving, but I’m not sure who Alyssa thinks she can beat in the final 2. Obviously Jon and I have to vote for one another, everything really depends on Alyssa’s vote, but also, more crucially, the Listener’s Vote. That was when things really sank in – when Baby Bear made me say on air for everyone to text in to vote Jon off. I didn’t like that feeling, and for a fleeting moment re-considered any notions I may have ever had to become a lobbyist. Anyways, it’s pretty difficult to gage what the Capital Region thinks of me, my efforts here at LSS and also my reasoning on why I deserve to win. All I can do is hope. D-Cross and Neuby were showin some love again today, which I appreciated. And I also got to see some friends I haven’t seen in a while. I have no idea what sort of circumstance would bring them to Clifton Park, if they had been following LSS or anything. But it was interesting nonetheless, and it inspired me to resolve that if I do make it into the Final 2, once I’m in here I should deeply consider everyone I’ve ever brushed shoulders with. There are a lot of people who have helped me out – some in more obvious ways than others. I’m not sure if I’ve always shown my appreciation, so I was thinking I could write up some thank you letters. (Bearing in mind I would probably do the same if I wasn’t in the Final 2 – but just so that I had something to occupy my time). Anyways. I’m not even really quite sure what else to write for now.
My parents are in Vermont* for a couple of days with my dad’s side of the family – I hope everything’s going well for them. I’m aiming at writing again tomorrow night.
- Hoping to be ½ of the student body left comprising FCC ‘08
* Vermont: (fun fact) translates into green mountains from the French Vert Mounts
Monday, August 18, 2008
So I got a lot of Love on day 29
So I got a lot of love to send out here on day 29. Huge shout out to Meghan J appreciate the sign. Stephen from Salad Creations, you’ve been awesome about hooking us up with bomb-diggity dinners. I would totally check out your opening Septemeber 4th or 5th if I were going to be in town. Pedone family – you always come through for me even when I’m trapped in a glass house; the brownies are sensational. Not to mention the string for friendship bracelets helped today go by which is a huge plus because of all our anticipation for tomorows Immunity Challenge. I made a red, white and blue anklet (go U.S.A!) Bath and Body – your brownies are also delectable. Also Kate Sharp – we’ve never met, but your word search smells like flowers in spring. I think we would get along – I was touched by your gesture and find that your demonstration of kindness, even towards your friends’ “enemies” proves you to be both thoughtful and romantic. I may have to patent some type of pun-ful name related to your actions, but I will think of it at another time. Lydia – I hope your vaca is a blast. I shouted you out at 9:15 – you know I’m not the most punctual…
Yes Adam, I would prefer moobs.
And so things are winding down and tensing up. My head and stomach ran a marathon searching for some sort of clue about what the final challenge will be like. I keep on molding all these different options in my mind’s eye that twist and turn leading me to hope I can break into the final 2. I’ve made it this far and without being overly confident, I’m trying to have some faith in myself here. I realize it’s going to take belief.
Looking back from today, I have no regrets. Yeah sure maybe people know some things about me that make my life a little more awkward, but I can toughen up and ignore petty retorts aimed to bring me down. I have so far, and from the support I’ve been shown, even from random strangers, I have to say it has become worth it. I’m still praying to God (assuming he or she and I are still on OK terms since my imfamous/inumerable Sunday school fiascos, oh so long ago) that my story can some how Butterfly Effect the general public to be chill; to understand a cause that I attempted to shy away from for a while. If people take anything away from me I hope it would just be to coexist.
We ended up finding a movie today on Lifetime Movie Network about a transitioning male to female (MTF) with an extremely strict, traditional family. In the end, the family was supportive, but the community would not try to understand – and it was too late for Gwen (previously Eddie). I didn’t catch the name of the flick, but it definetly hit home and made me appreciate my circumstances and support systems.
Anyways, I got tomorrow to say my good-byes if need be, so good night for now. Love you mom and dad. I’m fighting tomorrow.
- Tazeo
Eleven eleven
Yes Adam, I would prefer moobs.
And so things are winding down and tensing up. My head and stomach ran a marathon searching for some sort of clue about what the final challenge will be like. I keep on molding all these different options in my mind’s eye that twist and turn leading me to hope I can break into the final 2. I’ve made it this far and without being overly confident, I’m trying to have some faith in myself here. I realize it’s going to take belief.
Looking back from today, I have no regrets. Yeah sure maybe people know some things about me that make my life a little more awkward, but I can toughen up and ignore petty retorts aimed to bring me down. I have so far, and from the support I’ve been shown, even from random strangers, I have to say it has become worth it. I’m still praying to God (assuming he or she and I are still on OK terms since my imfamous/inumerable Sunday school fiascos, oh so long ago) that my story can some how Butterfly Effect the general public to be chill; to understand a cause that I attempted to shy away from for a while. If people take anything away from me I hope it would just be to coexist.
We ended up finding a movie today on Lifetime Movie Network about a transitioning male to female (MTF) with an extremely strict, traditional family. In the end, the family was supportive, but the community would not try to understand – and it was too late for Gwen (previously Eddie). I didn’t catch the name of the flick, but it definetly hit home and made me appreciate my circumstances and support systems.
Anyways, I got tomorrow to say my good-byes if need be, so good night for now. Love you mom and dad. I’m fighting tomorrow.
- Tazeo
Eleven eleven
Sunday, August 17, 2008
I prefer 2
I find it interesting that I write these blogs blindly every night, completely unaware if they are read by anyone other than my parents and some friends. I sincerely hope those who do read them understand that the magnitude of this experience cannot be expressed through random web cam angles, various on-air interviews and even daily posts via Internet, which supposedly capture the contestant’s innermost thoughts.
It would be ridiculous to assume that even if contestant A were reminiscing with contestant B about each and every realization they felt during this experience, that they might be able to grasp it more than partially.
It would be similar to having A and B ride a roller coaster, (A detests thrill rides and B loves them but ate too much for lunch) and then have them discuss on a given day how the amusment park adventures went. We each change every moment, learn every day and are only permitted to view this world through our own set of eyes. Sometimes I feel like it would be more benificial if we could use one eye to see things from someone eles’s perspective, hear things twice in slow motion and speak only after our brain decided that what we had to say was either critically constructive or far-fetchedly kind.
You may protest, “It’s impossible to always be nice.” And I agree and it may even get boring. But that is no excuse for why we should be so much more apt to believe we are always correct. “Seek first to understand rather than to be understood.”
And after considering all of that; who reads these postings and what it means for me and even my fate regarding this contest, I think of corny things I could write to sway the general public. Just kidding. The power of groups can be both dangerous and enormous and I would never take that risk in fear that someone may miss my sarcasm (due to the lack of tone in my typing) and interpret my swing at humor for conceitedness.
So after considering that, I think everyone should know what they would say if they were granted ten minutes to addres the world. I hope that everyone would think of what they would say, and that they would be able to come up with something that took ten minutes. I hope that after discovering what he or she stands for, that they would constantly remind themselves of how they could exemplify their values. To lead by example. And I hope that no one would consider this blog preacher-ific because I’m going off on a tangent, but that they realize if I did indeed have some way to communicate to the masses, that it would probably include something along these lines. Which leads me to this:
2 as in also
like also with youor also too muchas in too manybecause temperance is a virtue. 2 as in bias in bi focals like 2 ways of looking at things like bi sexuals only rimmed with more structure and less peeping.2 as in peace but not piece of mind or piece of anything else because this too is too sexual (no not bi sexual) simply too sexual to be a virtue. peace like two fingers world peace one love, for you and me, so two together.2 as in preparatory of infinitive, like to dance to kiss or to rain too hard. (which is a double standard)2 as in the number like a magic number too magical to notice2 as in existence like to be or not to be, or maybe as in nonexistence. as in 2D.2 hemispheres divided into two colors or two notions too unmagical to notice that i too am too important not to exude fortitude (which also is a virtue) to save all those too shy not towith 2 hands up two fingers on each pointing to the skyto wait to wonder to demand
So word, take it how you will. Until tomorrow.
-Tazby The Scrivener
It would be ridiculous to assume that even if contestant A were reminiscing with contestant B about each and every realization they felt during this experience, that they might be able to grasp it more than partially.
It would be similar to having A and B ride a roller coaster, (A detests thrill rides and B loves them but ate too much for lunch) and then have them discuss on a given day how the amusment park adventures went. We each change every moment, learn every day and are only permitted to view this world through our own set of eyes. Sometimes I feel like it would be more benificial if we could use one eye to see things from someone eles’s perspective, hear things twice in slow motion and speak only after our brain decided that what we had to say was either critically constructive or far-fetchedly kind.
You may protest, “It’s impossible to always be nice.” And I agree and it may even get boring. But that is no excuse for why we should be so much more apt to believe we are always correct. “Seek first to understand rather than to be understood.”
And after considering all of that; who reads these postings and what it means for me and even my fate regarding this contest, I think of corny things I could write to sway the general public. Just kidding. The power of groups can be both dangerous and enormous and I would never take that risk in fear that someone may miss my sarcasm (due to the lack of tone in my typing) and interpret my swing at humor for conceitedness.
So after considering that, I think everyone should know what they would say if they were granted ten minutes to addres the world. I hope that everyone would think of what they would say, and that they would be able to come up with something that took ten minutes. I hope that after discovering what he or she stands for, that they would constantly remind themselves of how they could exemplify their values. To lead by example. And I hope that no one would consider this blog preacher-ific because I’m going off on a tangent, but that they realize if I did indeed have some way to communicate to the masses, that it would probably include something along these lines. Which leads me to this:
2 as in also
like also with youor also too muchas in too manybecause temperance is a virtue. 2 as in bias in bi focals like 2 ways of looking at things like bi sexuals only rimmed with more structure and less peeping.2 as in peace but not piece of mind or piece of anything else because this too is too sexual (no not bi sexual) simply too sexual to be a virtue. peace like two fingers world peace one love, for you and me, so two together.2 as in preparatory of infinitive, like to dance to kiss or to rain too hard. (which is a double standard)2 as in the number like a magic number too magical to notice2 as in existence like to be or not to be, or maybe as in nonexistence. as in 2D.2 hemispheres divided into two colors or two notions too unmagical to notice that i too am too important not to exude fortitude (which also is a virtue) to save all those too shy not towith 2 hands up two fingers on each pointing to the skyto wait to wonder to demand
So word, take it how you will. Until tomorrow.
-Tazby The Scrivener
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Playing Hard To Get With The Night
Day 27.
This glass dorm room has served as a melting pot. The recipe works in reverse while the ingredients are extracted. Not much cooking tonight. We’re watching The Notebook and I get a strange feeling in my stomach – I’m starting to realize how much of hopeless romantic I am. I’m not even longing for a relationship – I’m single now for the first time in a while and I just feel like I need to exercise some chivalry in my life. I used to live vicariously through my writing and it looks like history repeats itself.
All my friends surround me; we’re in a limo and we’re on our way anywhere to play hard to get with the night. Summer air seeps in and brushes your hair away from your eyes and brings it up onto my shoulder like the tide. We watch the city flash by and laugh with our friends – your waves keep crashing. Bass from clubs are pulsing and controlling our heartbeats, we catch eachothers eye and smile as involuntarily as drawing a breath. Doors are opened for us, but our arms are locked and we stroll in smooth like poetry hovering with coolness over a steamy dance floor. This night feels like an accumilation of romantic karma. The tax return of rough break ups and deposited dates. It scares you how you have no say in your emotions, but you trust it realizing that it is in this absence of direction that you can flirt with a breeze and allow him to entertain your sails.
There is an epiphinanic satisfaction that overwhelms you once you trust in fate. It is when you begin to attempt to alter your destiny that you over-analyze whether or not you are living or loving incorrectly. When you know, you just know. You are released from doubts and uncertainty; while you still may be insecure, that is where faith picks up. Trust.
This glass dorm room has served as a melting pot. The recipe works in reverse while the ingredients are extracted. Not much cooking tonight. We’re watching The Notebook and I get a strange feeling in my stomach – I’m starting to realize how much of hopeless romantic I am. I’m not even longing for a relationship – I’m single now for the first time in a while and I just feel like I need to exercise some chivalry in my life. I used to live vicariously through my writing and it looks like history repeats itself.
All my friends surround me; we’re in a limo and we’re on our way anywhere to play hard to get with the night. Summer air seeps in and brushes your hair away from your eyes and brings it up onto my shoulder like the tide. We watch the city flash by and laugh with our friends – your waves keep crashing. Bass from clubs are pulsing and controlling our heartbeats, we catch eachothers eye and smile as involuntarily as drawing a breath. Doors are opened for us, but our arms are locked and we stroll in smooth like poetry hovering with coolness over a steamy dance floor. This night feels like an accumilation of romantic karma. The tax return of rough break ups and deposited dates. It scares you how you have no say in your emotions, but you trust it realizing that it is in this absence of direction that you can flirt with a breeze and allow him to entertain your sails.
There is an epiphinanic satisfaction that overwhelms you once you trust in fate. It is when you begin to attempt to alter your destiny that you over-analyze whether or not you are living or loving incorrectly. When you know, you just know. You are released from doubts and uncertainty; while you still may be insecure, that is where faith picks up. Trust.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Taziker, Sportsmanship, icy upper arm pit joints, and Abu
Day 26 and we have the introduction of a new cast member: Taziker*
So it’s an interesting day as far as emotions are concerned. It was suckier than ever to see Adam go (pardon my worsening grammar). He did pose a huge mental threat in my opinion, but it is a game. He understood this and went out with an incredibly honorable attitude. He wrote a note for everyone to part peacefully and in a light hearted tone. I absolutely admire him for it because I’m not sure how I would have handled that situation. Not to mention he returned to the dorm bearing gifts. I’m glad I can look forward to hanging out with him as a friend in about a week.
I think me Alyssa and Jon have a unique chemistry in this dorm. I’ve noticed Jon becoming more and more outgoing since when he first arrived, and I find him extremely charismatic. He and Alyssa got to go to the Giant’s Training Camp this evening, which I had overcomed being bitter about, not that I wasn’t jealous that they could leave the dorm. But it was weird being in here all by myself, I was chillen on the couch watching T.V. and the dinner rush walked outside the mall window just kind of watching me watch T.V. Bizarre. Marissa called me for an interview and asked if I had the opportunity to discuss any game strategy with myself while I had privacy. She realized I was bored and thus came by to visit which was nice because I thoroughly enjoy her ever-present sarcasm. But from here on out I’m given her the icy upper-armpit joint*
I question how close Jon and Alyssa have become between their massage date and Training Camp adventure, but I’m not terribly concerned. We still have the whole weekend and a perks challenge to go through before the immunity challenge which is when I really need to figure out how I’m gonna pair up with whom. It seems a little early for them to form any sort of alliance, plus a lot can happen even in a small glass dorm room in a matter of hours.
Upon the return of Jon and Alyssa we watched some T.V. and I fell asleep. I wasn’t feeling so hot for a little – woke up in a sweat. I think its mentality breaking through my skin so to speak. I fell into a strange mood for a while. It’s probably unhealthy to go without any form of physcial affection for so long. But it seemed to me like I was on the outside of the three of us remaning and it was just a little uneasiness I was playing around with. It passed and I’m trying to keep my head up. I’m just tired but maybe this weekend I can do some push-ups and abs to revitalize my body. I hate feeling like a vegetable in here. Maybe I’ll get some special visitors. It’s strange to say – but I even miss Abu*
I’ll be sure to attempt a profound script tomorrow.
Big shout out to Sue, Angelo, Daniella, Nikki and Christina – can’t wait for the brownies.
- Tazwald Cornelius Maximus I
* Taziker: my lovely Teddy bear
* Icy upper-armpit joint: cold shoulder
* Abu: My mom’s maltese (named for the monkey from Aladin) that usually pesters the blog outta me, but that I could probably use some kisses from
So it’s an interesting day as far as emotions are concerned. It was suckier than ever to see Adam go (pardon my worsening grammar). He did pose a huge mental threat in my opinion, but it is a game. He understood this and went out with an incredibly honorable attitude. He wrote a note for everyone to part peacefully and in a light hearted tone. I absolutely admire him for it because I’m not sure how I would have handled that situation. Not to mention he returned to the dorm bearing gifts. I’m glad I can look forward to hanging out with him as a friend in about a week.
I think me Alyssa and Jon have a unique chemistry in this dorm. I’ve noticed Jon becoming more and more outgoing since when he first arrived, and I find him extremely charismatic. He and Alyssa got to go to the Giant’s Training Camp this evening, which I had overcomed being bitter about, not that I wasn’t jealous that they could leave the dorm. But it was weird being in here all by myself, I was chillen on the couch watching T.V. and the dinner rush walked outside the mall window just kind of watching me watch T.V. Bizarre. Marissa called me for an interview and asked if I had the opportunity to discuss any game strategy with myself while I had privacy. She realized I was bored and thus came by to visit which was nice because I thoroughly enjoy her ever-present sarcasm. But from here on out I’m given her the icy upper-armpit joint*
I question how close Jon and Alyssa have become between their massage date and Training Camp adventure, but I’m not terribly concerned. We still have the whole weekend and a perks challenge to go through before the immunity challenge which is when I really need to figure out how I’m gonna pair up with whom. It seems a little early for them to form any sort of alliance, plus a lot can happen even in a small glass dorm room in a matter of hours.
Upon the return of Jon and Alyssa we watched some T.V. and I fell asleep. I wasn’t feeling so hot for a little – woke up in a sweat. I think its mentality breaking through my skin so to speak. I fell into a strange mood for a while. It’s probably unhealthy to go without any form of physcial affection for so long. But it seemed to me like I was on the outside of the three of us remaning and it was just a little uneasiness I was playing around with. It passed and I’m trying to keep my head up. I’m just tired but maybe this weekend I can do some push-ups and abs to revitalize my body. I hate feeling like a vegetable in here. Maybe I’ll get some special visitors. It’s strange to say – but I even miss Abu*
I’ll be sure to attempt a profound script tomorrow.
Big shout out to Sue, Angelo, Daniella, Nikki and Christina – can’t wait for the brownies.
- Tazwald Cornelius Maximus I
* Taziker: my lovely Teddy bear
* Icy upper-armpit joint: cold shoulder
* Abu: My mom’s maltese (named for the monkey from Aladin) that usually pesters the blog outta me, but that I could probably use some kisses from
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Que Sera Sera
Day 25. And rut would be a delicate way to describe my recent performances. How horrible must my display have been if Brian Cody twice asks me “Did you throw that competition? Did you lose on purpose?” Why would I ever do that? In a game where deceit is a through line and immunity is the only guarantee, why would I ever risk that opportunity? That isn’t in my nature even if immunity wasn’t on the line. I’m the kind of guy to accidentally spike a volleyball (Meet The Faulkers style) at a peaceful BBQ. I ripped up my leg so bad sliding into first base one time at a pick up baseball game that people were asking me if I got into a motorcycle accident. I’m not sure if I’ve been dealt some lousy cards for these most recent challenges or if my mental focus hasn’t been at its optimum; and I certainly don’t want to make any excuses. All I can do is hope that I will be given another chance to prove my drive to win.
I feel reasonably secure at tomorrows expulsion, but this game is like a seesaw composed of barbed wire – 100 feet above molten lava? So it’s almost impossible to predict what will happen, even though I’m pretty involved. What will be will be.
The one thing I hate/love about today’s challenge was seeing immediate results of who I let down. Sometimes I cope with serious emotions through humor (I make a lot of puns about my transition once you get to know me – but if you don’t know about my transition you won’t get the comment) – but after losing the challenge today I tried to shrug it off. Some of our favorite visitors were cheering us on, and they began to cry when we lost. It definitely stung. They gave us the tee shirts they made for us on teddy bears and I’m telling you mine will be on display. I’m considering naming it.
While Alyssa and John were getting massaged, some lovely visitors pleasantly surprised Adam and me. They happened to be the Vitamin Water girls of the century. And they provided a much lighter atmosphere for what could have proved to be extremely awkward. Anyways I’m not sure if this is my last blog, and I feel like if I try to decorate it as if it were, I would only be jinxing myself. So I’m going to chillax and savor the last night of final four and hopefully blog again tomorrow night.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Que sera sera.
- Flirtatious Taz
I feel reasonably secure at tomorrows expulsion, but this game is like a seesaw composed of barbed wire – 100 feet above molten lava? So it’s almost impossible to predict what will happen, even though I’m pretty involved. What will be will be.
The one thing I hate/love about today’s challenge was seeing immediate results of who I let down. Sometimes I cope with serious emotions through humor (I make a lot of puns about my transition once you get to know me – but if you don’t know about my transition you won’t get the comment) – but after losing the challenge today I tried to shrug it off. Some of our favorite visitors were cheering us on, and they began to cry when we lost. It definitely stung. They gave us the tee shirts they made for us on teddy bears and I’m telling you mine will be on display. I’m considering naming it.
While Alyssa and John were getting massaged, some lovely visitors pleasantly surprised Adam and me. They happened to be the Vitamin Water girls of the century. And they provided a much lighter atmosphere for what could have proved to be extremely awkward. Anyways I’m not sure if this is my last blog, and I feel like if I try to decorate it as if it were, I would only be jinxing myself. So I’m going to chillax and savor the last night of final four and hopefully blog again tomorrow night.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Que sera sera.
- Flirtatious Taz
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Metaphor upon metaphor is a euphemism
Three weeks three days.
We had a reward challenge this morning and me and Adam failed miserably. I sort of drifted into a rare form and needed to excrete unwanted emotions and so I wrote this:
When I played football, the coach would reassure my team before every game of some reliable absolutes. We shifted our weight uncomfortably on itchy grass, the shoulder pads pinching our skin, our eyes feigning a piercing concern for what was about to fall from our coach’s mouth. He told us to look down at the thick blades of chlorophyll-stuffed shrubbery beneath us, and to look up at the gaping cerulean sky above, and to know that no matter the outcome of the game, the sky would still be blue and the grass would still be green.
At least then I could be aware of it. In here I am constantly reminded of my losses or gains. I’m not trying to be a sore loser. I just know I’m disappointed and am trying not to take any feelings out on anyone. I asked that my roommates didn’t misinterpret my coping methods for any anger directed towards anyone but myself. The reward was to go to the NY Giant’s training camp; so I painted an empty Vitamin Water can blue and red with the white ‘NY’ on it so that hopefully Alyssa and Jon can get some autographs for my dad - whose always been a fan.
I was informed recently that I should incorporate a poem in my blog. Perhaps I can add some longevity to my stay here at FCC by attempting to entertain readers. This little stanza thing was written a while ago, but sort of follows suit in this competition:
Metaphor upon metaphor is a euphemism
Poets use for lie upon lie
And since life’s a poem,
When do we die?
When words fall apart
When the ink all runs dry?
I’ll write forever,
Until I never die.
Tomorrow’s challenge (yes I realize my blogs are an unorganized stream) is clutch. I would love to win immunity and attain some power. Rumor has it the challenge deals with endurance, so I’m hoping I’ll be able to excel (depending on the type of endurance).
The mood in the house is somewhere between nonchalant and buzzed. We are jittery with anticipation, but also weighed like cardboard soaking in a puddle of grease.
I killed a huge mosquito today. Ate some fries and took a nap. (You see what I mean?)
My tentative plans are to wake up refreshed tomorrow and not swing at the first pitch or the curveball. Hopefully I’ll crack the code and make as many people smile as I can.
- glass three quarters full
We had a reward challenge this morning and me and Adam failed miserably. I sort of drifted into a rare form and needed to excrete unwanted emotions and so I wrote this:
When I played football, the coach would reassure my team before every game of some reliable absolutes. We shifted our weight uncomfortably on itchy grass, the shoulder pads pinching our skin, our eyes feigning a piercing concern for what was about to fall from our coach’s mouth. He told us to look down at the thick blades of chlorophyll-stuffed shrubbery beneath us, and to look up at the gaping cerulean sky above, and to know that no matter the outcome of the game, the sky would still be blue and the grass would still be green.
At least then I could be aware of it. In here I am constantly reminded of my losses or gains. I’m not trying to be a sore loser. I just know I’m disappointed and am trying not to take any feelings out on anyone. I asked that my roommates didn’t misinterpret my coping methods for any anger directed towards anyone but myself. The reward was to go to the NY Giant’s training camp; so I painted an empty Vitamin Water can blue and red with the white ‘NY’ on it so that hopefully Alyssa and Jon can get some autographs for my dad - whose always been a fan.
I was informed recently that I should incorporate a poem in my blog. Perhaps I can add some longevity to my stay here at FCC by attempting to entertain readers. This little stanza thing was written a while ago, but sort of follows suit in this competition:
Metaphor upon metaphor is a euphemism
Poets use for lie upon lie
And since life’s a poem,
When do we die?
When words fall apart
When the ink all runs dry?
I’ll write forever,
Until I never die.
Tomorrow’s challenge (yes I realize my blogs are an unorganized stream) is clutch. I would love to win immunity and attain some power. Rumor has it the challenge deals with endurance, so I’m hoping I’ll be able to excel (depending on the type of endurance).
The mood in the house is somewhere between nonchalant and buzzed. We are jittery with anticipation, but also weighed like cardboard soaking in a puddle of grease.
I killed a huge mosquito today. Ate some fries and took a nap. (You see what I mean?)
My tentative plans are to wake up refreshed tomorrow and not swing at the first pitch or the curveball. Hopefully I’ll crack the code and make as many people smile as I can.
- glass three quarters full
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Since feeling is first
What day is it even?
“Since feeling is first, who pays any attention to the syntax of things?” (E.E.)
I hate this game and I love it. I know nothing about this game.
“I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream.” (Van Gogh).
To both accurately and effectively describe this morning’s elimination would cause my eyes to well, stinging with salt, and I would be unable to continue typing.
Why don’t I just leave it at:
I hated to see Julie go. For too many reasons to list. I learned a lot from her; about her, me, people like her and people like me. I understand that our paths crossed for a reason, and while I believe she deserved this prize we’re all working towards, I trust that with her attitude towards life she will find happiness. Whatever it entails for her. I hope she knows there are no hard feelings. I want to talk to her in an atmosphere with no microphones and hear what she truly has to say. I can’t wait to do so.
The day was lethargic. Everyone napped – I dozed maybe twice for twenty minutes tops, but was unable to fall into any meaningful sleep. We stayed up pretty late last night and got up early today obviously. So hopefully tonight I will get a good rest.
Rumor has it that tomorrow’s reward will be very exciting. I hope everyone can benefit from it, and I hope we succeed. We were spoiled today with access to the Olympic games and pizza for dinner. Ah the simple things in life.
Then throughout the evening it seemed to be visitor’s hours. Meant a lot to see those custom t-shirts, the NBN crew – much love . Ally of course…
And then this:
“Be who you want!
Say what you feel!
Because those who mind don’t matter!
And those who matter don’t mind!”
- Dr. Seuss (Compliments of Lydia – thank you!)
Tomorrow I’ll try to be more of a writer.
- Theo Adam Zegers
(AKA Flirtatious taz)
Quick shout out to my man Phelps! Congrats!
“Since feeling is first, who pays any attention to the syntax of things?” (E.E.)
I hate this game and I love it. I know nothing about this game.
“I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream.” (Van Gogh).
To both accurately and effectively describe this morning’s elimination would cause my eyes to well, stinging with salt, and I would be unable to continue typing.
Why don’t I just leave it at:
I hated to see Julie go. For too many reasons to list. I learned a lot from her; about her, me, people like her and people like me. I understand that our paths crossed for a reason, and while I believe she deserved this prize we’re all working towards, I trust that with her attitude towards life she will find happiness. Whatever it entails for her. I hope she knows there are no hard feelings. I want to talk to her in an atmosphere with no microphones and hear what she truly has to say. I can’t wait to do so.
The day was lethargic. Everyone napped – I dozed maybe twice for twenty minutes tops, but was unable to fall into any meaningful sleep. We stayed up pretty late last night and got up early today obviously. So hopefully tonight I will get a good rest.
Rumor has it that tomorrow’s reward will be very exciting. I hope everyone can benefit from it, and I hope we succeed. We were spoiled today with access to the Olympic games and pizza for dinner. Ah the simple things in life.
Then throughout the evening it seemed to be visitor’s hours. Meant a lot to see those custom t-shirts, the NBN crew – much love . Ally of course…
And then this:
“Be who you want!
Say what you feel!
Because those who mind don’t matter!
And those who matter don’t mind!”
- Dr. Seuss (Compliments of Lydia – thank you!)
Tomorrow I’ll try to be more of a writer.
- Theo Adam Zegers
(AKA Flirtatious taz)
Quick shout out to my man Phelps! Congrats!
Monday, August 11, 2008
And the coolness of her smile
I came across today just a moment ago. In the (I) lost and found (out I’m loved).
Rare discovery, similar to a (T-filled) needle in an (Arthur Fonzerelli) ‘Heyy’ Stack.
Somewhere juxtaposed the love shack cunning linguists tazzled my senses.
Fences I previously sat upon becoming (like a lovely shirt) wet with paint (tainting the acrylics I flirt with). Thirsting for immunity a mutiny came and blamed the hearse driver for Fly Community’s sexual fluidity (which some countered with the good old 1.2.3.).
Which was fine with me, obviously, because today was indubitably on its way to orientationaly being free.
Not very much unsimilarly to the orientational expression of innuendos and suggestive behavior, sisterly bound to misbehavior. Found on the aforementioned tracks of said train, wound up tensions lead to good intentions feeding foul suspensions and unfortunately every so often, expulsion.
Hopefully I can play some Frogger hopscotch on these tracks (which I attempted to delicately personify through ((extended)) metaphor as an ambiguous sexual predicament) and evade my dismissal from FCC. I am extremely upset about my performance at the challenge. I’m not about to sit here and make excuses, but I do feel that luck of the draw factors in. I’m happy for Adam that he won immunity. I only hope he and I can stop our perpetual battle for the coveted position of Alpha male (I attempted to peacefully negotiate a treaty and proposed that Jon embrace the role; it lasted 30 seconds).
Everyone here is too cool and I don’t want to leave, and I don’t want anyone else to leave.
I tried to sum up today before – I sort of messed up my shot. I don’t think I got the needle all the way into my muscle and so I don’t believe all of the hormone will be absorbed. And it hurt a lot. But I was mostly upset about what felt like wasting my medicine. Hopefully I can toughen up before my next shot.
I think you get the gist about today’s immunity challenge. Hopefully I’ll be able to redeem myself Thursday (if I’m still here).
It felt really good to see Katie today. Completely unexpected. And it makes me wonder how many other people whose support I may be unaware of. For instance seeing Ally – its pretty impossible to express in a blog how big of a hug I would have liked to give you. (I’ll have to wait till I get out). All of the fans that come every day to support us – Lexi, Vicky, Nina, Zach, Peyton, Whitney, Karlie, Brooke, Max, all the parents and everyone else – you know who you are – it really does mean A LOT. And I’m not sure exactly what everyone else puts in his or her blogs – but this is me trying to show a ton of love for everyone. I appreciate it! [Yeh sure Pete, thanks for the hug, haha]. I guess for now I’ll go try to stay occupied until tomorrow’s elimination. We’ll have to see what Adam has in mind. Oh yeh happy belated b-day Aerielle! (8/9) And it was confirmed that my parents do read my blogs – so I love you guys and miss you! Hopefully I’ll see you soon – but not tomorrow or Friday!
“And the coolness of her smile is the fluttering of birds between my arms.” - E.E. Cummings
.-hoping to be here a while
Rare discovery, similar to a (T-filled) needle in an (Arthur Fonzerelli) ‘Heyy’ Stack.
Somewhere juxtaposed the love shack cunning linguists tazzled my senses.
Fences I previously sat upon becoming (like a lovely shirt) wet with paint (tainting the acrylics I flirt with). Thirsting for immunity a mutiny came and blamed the hearse driver for Fly Community’s sexual fluidity (which some countered with the good old 1.2.3.).
Which was fine with me, obviously, because today was indubitably on its way to orientationaly being free.
Not very much unsimilarly to the orientational expression of innuendos and suggestive behavior, sisterly bound to misbehavior. Found on the aforementioned tracks of said train, wound up tensions lead to good intentions feeding foul suspensions and unfortunately every so often, expulsion.
Hopefully I can play some Frogger hopscotch on these tracks (which I attempted to delicately personify through ((extended)) metaphor as an ambiguous sexual predicament) and evade my dismissal from FCC. I am extremely upset about my performance at the challenge. I’m not about to sit here and make excuses, but I do feel that luck of the draw factors in. I’m happy for Adam that he won immunity. I only hope he and I can stop our perpetual battle for the coveted position of Alpha male (I attempted to peacefully negotiate a treaty and proposed that Jon embrace the role; it lasted 30 seconds).
Everyone here is too cool and I don’t want to leave, and I don’t want anyone else to leave.
I tried to sum up today before – I sort of messed up my shot. I don’t think I got the needle all the way into my muscle and so I don’t believe all of the hormone will be absorbed. And it hurt a lot. But I was mostly upset about what felt like wasting my medicine. Hopefully I can toughen up before my next shot.
I think you get the gist about today’s immunity challenge. Hopefully I’ll be able to redeem myself Thursday (if I’m still here).
It felt really good to see Katie today. Completely unexpected. And it makes me wonder how many other people whose support I may be unaware of. For instance seeing Ally – its pretty impossible to express in a blog how big of a hug I would have liked to give you. (I’ll have to wait till I get out). All of the fans that come every day to support us – Lexi, Vicky, Nina, Zach, Peyton, Whitney, Karlie, Brooke, Max, all the parents and everyone else – you know who you are – it really does mean A LOT. And I’m not sure exactly what everyone else puts in his or her blogs – but this is me trying to show a ton of love for everyone. I appreciate it! [Yeh sure Pete, thanks for the hug, haha]. I guess for now I’ll go try to stay occupied until tomorrow’s elimination. We’ll have to see what Adam has in mind. Oh yeh happy belated b-day Aerielle! (8/9) And it was confirmed that my parents do read my blogs – so I love you guys and miss you! Hopefully I’ll see you soon – but not tomorrow or Friday!
“And the coolness of her smile is the fluttering of birds between my arms.” - E.E. Cummings
.-hoping to be here a while
3 weeks great success.. not
3 weeks? So maybe we’re all getting under one another’s skin? I’m in another place.
I’m in a place where the forward motion of my dreams propels me beyond the inertia of facts. Where my greatest desires swirl around me in a tunnel of acrylics, each color is vibrant and distinct, blending with one another, bleeding and seeping into their destined places. A wind kicks up to push away the gravity of law. And each cell in my body is electrified by a smooth momentum of belief. My mind becomes at ease with a humble confidence that brushes over sands of time. Each grain a minute detail in the ocean of my life.
I see what is physically around me, and I can catch vibes off the people around me. I feel I know who I can trust. And I inevitably flirt with the alternative, quickly to reinstate my fidelity. Calling to mind the faithfulness life has shown me for 19 years.
I have to believe in timing and fate. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have been adopted. Imagine if my birthmother had an abortion. I always contemplate if my parents had waited two more weeks to decide to adopt. Where would I be? What would nature vs. nurture had been able to prove? I know for a fact that things happen for reasons. So I need to trust that I’m here for a reason, and do my best to succeed – wait to see what happens.
So nothing major went down today. A couple of much-anticipated pillow fights. Some pleasantly surprising visitors Naps and lack there-ofs. We attempted to have Julie choreograph a dance and instruct us…to quote Borat, ‘Great success! Not!’
I am nervous about tomorrow. It’s like the night before a big game, knowing that the outcome of the looming match determines whether or not you continue playing the sport. Uncertainty of the evening before a coup you planned. A war you triggered then enlisted for.
Whatever ends up happening, I know I have no regrets.
New day.
- Waiting to see
p.s. Tomorrow we’re having a ‘T party’ (Where I inject myself with testosterone) at 2:30 P.M. for the web cam viewers who are interested.
I’m in a place where the forward motion of my dreams propels me beyond the inertia of facts. Where my greatest desires swirl around me in a tunnel of acrylics, each color is vibrant and distinct, blending with one another, bleeding and seeping into their destined places. A wind kicks up to push away the gravity of law. And each cell in my body is electrified by a smooth momentum of belief. My mind becomes at ease with a humble confidence that brushes over sands of time. Each grain a minute detail in the ocean of my life.
I see what is physically around me, and I can catch vibes off the people around me. I feel I know who I can trust. And I inevitably flirt with the alternative, quickly to reinstate my fidelity. Calling to mind the faithfulness life has shown me for 19 years.
I have to believe in timing and fate. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have been adopted. Imagine if my birthmother had an abortion. I always contemplate if my parents had waited two more weeks to decide to adopt. Where would I be? What would nature vs. nurture had been able to prove? I know for a fact that things happen for reasons. So I need to trust that I’m here for a reason, and do my best to succeed – wait to see what happens.
So nothing major went down today. A couple of much-anticipated pillow fights. Some pleasantly surprising visitors Naps and lack there-ofs. We attempted to have Julie choreograph a dance and instruct us…to quote Borat, ‘Great success! Not!’
I am nervous about tomorrow. It’s like the night before a big game, knowing that the outcome of the looming match determines whether or not you continue playing the sport. Uncertainty of the evening before a coup you planned. A war you triggered then enlisted for.
Whatever ends up happening, I know I have no regrets.
New day.
- Waiting to see
p.s. Tomorrow we’re having a ‘T party’ (Where I inject myself with testosterone) at 2:30 P.M. for the web cam viewers who are interested.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
after moon the laughter blooms
Sittin’ in the midst of a twisted gift – opportunity remixed a pleasure and a risk, what will come of this blissful ignorance chances that I missed flirting wit a kiss of my failure to resist insisting I wish to find some kind of reason or rhyme to the who what when where and whys of my life, the type I defy, never wanna try to ever compromise always self-comply, redefine the lines so when I cross ‘em its fine or divine in my own time, cuz workin’ round the hours of someone wit more power sounds too soft, so louder passes volume shatters glass rooms fast tunes last the afternoon so that after moon the laughter blooms. Foreshadowing? Ironic? Or Coincidental?
[There is actually a pun here ^ if you folks ever watch the web cams, I accidentally
pants-ed Alyssa sort of, extremely unintentionally, so yeh. LoL?]
And that about sums up what I get out of the atmosphere lately. I’ve been craving to bang out some lyrics. And work on my internal rhyme. So last night Alyssa and me tried collaboration, but if you reference her blog you should be able to see what she came up with. It’s interesting how when you just sit to write, everything flows out and you go to read it and find out how you really feel.
Felt good to see my dad today when he came by to visit. I wish I would have remembered to show him the Olympic flag we painted though, but when he arrived I sort of just gravitated to the window and smiled. It really sucks there isn’t much else I can do. At least when I’m away at school I can communicate with him. Hope alls well with everyone. Its nice to see familiar faces visiting too.
Starting Monday, things will pick up fast and whatever ends up happening will probably resemble a chain reaction similar to the events of a bar fight but with the effects of $50,000 sitting up behind the top shelf liquor.
But there is no logical way to prepare. No calming, serenity-inducing mental psych up to reduce anxiety. The challenges are random and vaguely skill-related. Like bull frogs fencing with plastic cutlery. (Taking some weak stabs at imagery tonight, pun intended).
Day 20 thanks to Marissa’s mom for the delicious cookies
We chill like a reality sit-com cast playing mind games and making plans to party after everything is all said and done. Despite random emotions and unsteady alliances, I think we do all agree that this experience is unique to say the least.
I’m settling into a more content skin realizing it’s not horrid that my story (my jam as Brian Cody so affectionately refers to it) is out there. In fact, Julie has made me realize that it is actually turning out to be a good thing. At least I can plant a seed for some people. Introduce something new, so that maybe if they ever come across someone else like me, that someone else will be better off. Maybe eventually people wont even have to come stand outside my glass walls and gape at me, attempting to discern what is and what isn’t. Maybe one day everyone will just gape at one another and see who.
- looking forward to the future
[There is actually a pun here ^ if you folks ever watch the web cams, I accidentally
pants-ed Alyssa sort of, extremely unintentionally, so yeh. LoL?]
And that about sums up what I get out of the atmosphere lately. I’ve been craving to bang out some lyrics. And work on my internal rhyme. So last night Alyssa and me tried collaboration, but if you reference her blog you should be able to see what she came up with. It’s interesting how when you just sit to write, everything flows out and you go to read it and find out how you really feel.
Felt good to see my dad today when he came by to visit. I wish I would have remembered to show him the Olympic flag we painted though, but when he arrived I sort of just gravitated to the window and smiled. It really sucks there isn’t much else I can do. At least when I’m away at school I can communicate with him. Hope alls well with everyone. Its nice to see familiar faces visiting too.
Starting Monday, things will pick up fast and whatever ends up happening will probably resemble a chain reaction similar to the events of a bar fight but with the effects of $50,000 sitting up behind the top shelf liquor.
But there is no logical way to prepare. No calming, serenity-inducing mental psych up to reduce anxiety. The challenges are random and vaguely skill-related. Like bull frogs fencing with plastic cutlery. (Taking some weak stabs at imagery tonight, pun intended).
Day 20 thanks to Marissa’s mom for the delicious cookies
We chill like a reality sit-com cast playing mind games and making plans to party after everything is all said and done. Despite random emotions and unsteady alliances, I think we do all agree that this experience is unique to say the least.
I’m settling into a more content skin realizing it’s not horrid that my story (my jam as Brian Cody so affectionately refers to it) is out there. In fact, Julie has made me realize that it is actually turning out to be a good thing. At least I can plant a seed for some people. Introduce something new, so that maybe if they ever come across someone else like me, that someone else will be better off. Maybe eventually people wont even have to come stand outside my glass walls and gape at me, attempting to discern what is and what isn’t. Maybe one day everyone will just gape at one another and see who.
- looking forward to the future
Friday, August 8, 2008
So we were woken up by the morning rush only to learn that we were competing in the prestigious Olympic event of fountain diving. Five minutes and eleven seconds was the world record set by Finland. We had to scrape up circular pipe cleaners (Olympic rings) off the floor of the fountain. And oh yeh we were blindfolded. We elected Julie Pants our leader when we found out it involved the fountain – assuming it would be some type of synchronized/choreographed event, but she ended up giving extremely accurate instructions for us to sweep up all the rings in record-shattering time. We also paraded our LSS ’08 flag that we painted yesterday with an immeasurable amount of pride (check out the challenge videos). Of course we had been training all our lives for that moment and we went on to win Chinese food and the privilege to watch the opening ceremony for the Beijing Olympics.
Day 19???
After our diving escapades we were allotted our power showers at the YMCA. And upon our return to the dorm we all fell back asleep.
Wendy’s provided us our usual feast and we began people watching on our patio, when a familiar face passed our way. It was really nice to see Go Big Brian coming back to give a shout out – he definitely cleared up our minds a bit, reassuring us that there were no hard feelings, while simultaneously alerting us of his local celebrity status. Much more at ease about yesterdays’ events and even more fired up about partying with the FCC class of ’08 when this is all over with.
The afternoon snowballed and we began playing ‘Beijing Idol’ after placing our order for comida chine. Then we really got into the spirit by dressing the part. Soon we were rocking sheets and robes and some interesting facial hair, trying to simulate something reasonably cultural? It was all in good humor and the closest some of us will come to role-play until marriage. We thought it best to post a disclaimer for our onlookers reminding them that it is good to celebrate diversity and learn about other cultures. We then proceeded to watch the opening ceremony. [Around here coach Pedone stopped by – thanks for your support, glad you find our antics as amusing as we do].
I loved it; the elaborate history lesson laced together by contrasts; dark and light, loud and soft. 2008 drummers, 2008 karate masters and over 15,000 performers altogether exemplifying Ancient Chinese ideals and then modern ones too. Confucian philosophies portrayed by the worlds largest LED screen; how harmony begins with inner peace and turns to outer peace. The oldest image of how mountains balance with water. And then more modern thoughts of how to preserve nature for upcoming generations. I had never sat down to watch an opening ceremony before and I was extremely impressed with all of the symbolism involved and all of the resources it must have taken to create such a show. I feel sorry for France for having such a tough act to follow in 2012. But the five of us – Jon, Alyssa, Adam, Julie and me sitting in the living room like a family felt pretty good. I understand how diverse we all are – but I love how that makes every conversation we have so versatile and dynamic. Someone always has an opposite opinion, yet we manage to keep the mood light. After this weekend, FCC will become ‘HelLSS’. Might as well enjoy what we can. “Here’s to tonight, tomorrows gonna come to soon.”
-.taz
p.s. huge shout out to Marissa – appreciate the love
Day 19???
After our diving escapades we were allotted our power showers at the YMCA. And upon our return to the dorm we all fell back asleep.
Wendy’s provided us our usual feast and we began people watching on our patio, when a familiar face passed our way. It was really nice to see Go Big Brian coming back to give a shout out – he definitely cleared up our minds a bit, reassuring us that there were no hard feelings, while simultaneously alerting us of his local celebrity status. Much more at ease about yesterdays’ events and even more fired up about partying with the FCC class of ’08 when this is all over with.
The afternoon snowballed and we began playing ‘Beijing Idol’ after placing our order for comida chine. Then we really got into the spirit by dressing the part. Soon we were rocking sheets and robes and some interesting facial hair, trying to simulate something reasonably cultural? It was all in good humor and the closest some of us will come to role-play until marriage. We thought it best to post a disclaimer for our onlookers reminding them that it is good to celebrate diversity and learn about other cultures. We then proceeded to watch the opening ceremony. [Around here coach Pedone stopped by – thanks for your support, glad you find our antics as amusing as we do].
I loved it; the elaborate history lesson laced together by contrasts; dark and light, loud and soft. 2008 drummers, 2008 karate masters and over 15,000 performers altogether exemplifying Ancient Chinese ideals and then modern ones too. Confucian philosophies portrayed by the worlds largest LED screen; how harmony begins with inner peace and turns to outer peace. The oldest image of how mountains balance with water. And then more modern thoughts of how to preserve nature for upcoming generations. I had never sat down to watch an opening ceremony before and I was extremely impressed with all of the symbolism involved and all of the resources it must have taken to create such a show. I feel sorry for France for having such a tough act to follow in 2012. But the five of us – Jon, Alyssa, Adam, Julie and me sitting in the living room like a family felt pretty good. I understand how diverse we all are – but I love how that makes every conversation we have so versatile and dynamic. Someone always has an opposite opinion, yet we manage to keep the mood light. After this weekend, FCC will become ‘HelLSS’. Might as well enjoy what we can. “Here’s to tonight, tomorrows gonna come to soon.”
-.taz
p.s. huge shout out to Marissa – appreciate the love
Thursday, August 7, 2008
50 % of goals scored in soccer
50 % of goals scored in soccer are scored immediately in a counter attack. The first team scores and straight from the kick off, the other team will dazzle fans with brilliant footwork and a well-placed shot.
Brian won two immunities right off the bat, and then I was put in a position where I could make a play.
It sucked to see him go. We have similar interests and he is a cool dude. The way he accepted that he was voted off proves a lot about his character and I think he set a great example of good sportsmanship. It was a pretty last minute decision coming together to vote him off. Everyone was surprised that he received the listener text vote, but after seeing that, I felt better about the decision we all had made. Apparently he had a couple of alliances to fall back on and it goes to show how intense of a competitor he is.
It’s interesting to hear everyone talking right now about separate fabrications. I have to give him credit. I sincerely hope there are no hard feelings.
Today we painted. Five Olympic rings – the LSS flag is a unique medium of art. The atmosphere seems fairly relaxed – things cooled down a bit after the most emotional vote-off yet. No one trusted anyone when word was sifting through pillows that we were voting Brian off. Julie didn’t believe me and was paranoid that we were working against her. I was afraid that Adam, Brian and Alyssa had an alliance so for Alyssa to prove to me that I could trust her; she agreed to vote Brian off. Adam wasn’t as hesitant as Alyssa.
All in all, we were fairly unanimous. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he was leaving. Luckily Alyssa sort of signaled with her eyes. It was extremely intense.
Hopefully tomorrow we can all work together to win the reward challenge. It is really weird for there to only be five left.
I think for a minute being notified of my immunity I let it get to my head. And tonight I am in no mood to scribble ramble. Paranoia has temporarily dissipated. Exhaustion from yesterdays’ challenge and today’s emotional barbed wire has set in and so I think I’m signing off.
I have no relative quotes or song lyrics, no inspirational puns.
I do have a lot of respect for Brian. We’ll see what happens next.
- taz
Good morning from USMC.
Good morning from USMC. Would have hated my life if I weren’t Semper Fidelis.
0600 hours:
Push-ups, abs, jumping jacks, sprinting, screaming cadences and marching around for fly 92 minutes. In the heat of it all I didn’t mind. But I’m feeling the aftermath now. It was easy to weed through and see who would succeed. We figured it was the immunity challenge. I screamed my lungs out, making each step purposeful and every drop of sweat count. (You know what that is Zig-Zag? Those are tears of pain! Do you know what pain is? It came naturally; I replied Pain is weakness leaving the body, sir!)
So when my peers weren’t taking things seriously it made me pretty upset (even now when they joke about it). I have fair background knowledge of most things militant and along with that, inevitably comes an immense respect for members of the armed forces. I needed to prove that I want to be the last student standing.
Brian’s ankle was bothering him during the physical training, yet when we were back in the dorm, dodge ball was a go? Certain things just got under my skin today; the fact that I tried my hardest for the duration of the challenge and others didn’t, and how they can joke about it now. I realized something important as soon as the drill sergeants proposed we recite our cadence extra loud to be able to end our session. It was then that Brian yelled decibels louder. And I thought to myself – why would he behave any differently in this competition? And how can I feel secure in an alliance with someone as manipulative as that?
It was an interesting morning to say the least, and it played into the second part of the challenge.
A good marine takes in their surroundings. So we were tested on our observations of the stores in Clifton Park Center. In a minute and 92 seconds, Alyssa and I jotted down 25 store names in the mall to win dual immunity tonight. I became the RA. We had a little heart to heart, discussing some personal things and some game plans.
For a good while (well, the past 2 days), I was beginning to think I couldn’t trust her. I became suspicious when I saw that Brian went to the computer to blog right after she had – and he wasn’t typing right away. I figured she left a message for him, but I didn’t know how to approach that situation. I became paranoid, thinking that her, Brian and Adam had an alliance and that Jon, Julie and I were coming up on the hit list. I think that winning immunity today was pretty clutch for me. I’m not sure what Alyssa’s personal strategy is – but if she was trying to sell me on something, she doesn’t know who she thinks is shopping. Immediately we needed to decide who was going to be the RA. She suggested I take the position, and I suppose others may have insisted that “No – you should be it.” But honestly – this enables me to have the final say in tomorrow’s elimination, so I was cool with her suggestion. We made an agreement on how she can earn my trust, and I hope everything goes as planned.
This game is one huge court case. If you plan on pursuing a career in law – there are three scenes in Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar you must examine. The power of persuasion and groups combined with reverse psychology and a little luck is a classic central conflict that makes for what is apparently, good reality radio.
- RA taz?
0600 hours:
Push-ups, abs, jumping jacks, sprinting, screaming cadences and marching around for fly 92 minutes. In the heat of it all I didn’t mind. But I’m feeling the aftermath now. It was easy to weed through and see who would succeed. We figured it was the immunity challenge. I screamed my lungs out, making each step purposeful and every drop of sweat count. (You know what that is Zig-Zag? Those are tears of pain! Do you know what pain is? It came naturally; I replied Pain is weakness leaving the body, sir!)
So when my peers weren’t taking things seriously it made me pretty upset (even now when they joke about it). I have fair background knowledge of most things militant and along with that, inevitably comes an immense respect for members of the armed forces. I needed to prove that I want to be the last student standing.
Brian’s ankle was bothering him during the physical training, yet when we were back in the dorm, dodge ball was a go? Certain things just got under my skin today; the fact that I tried my hardest for the duration of the challenge and others didn’t, and how they can joke about it now. I realized something important as soon as the drill sergeants proposed we recite our cadence extra loud to be able to end our session. It was then that Brian yelled decibels louder. And I thought to myself – why would he behave any differently in this competition? And how can I feel secure in an alliance with someone as manipulative as that?
It was an interesting morning to say the least, and it played into the second part of the challenge.
A good marine takes in their surroundings. So we were tested on our observations of the stores in Clifton Park Center. In a minute and 92 seconds, Alyssa and I jotted down 25 store names in the mall to win dual immunity tonight. I became the RA. We had a little heart to heart, discussing some personal things and some game plans.
For a good while (well, the past 2 days), I was beginning to think I couldn’t trust her. I became suspicious when I saw that Brian went to the computer to blog right after she had – and he wasn’t typing right away. I figured she left a message for him, but I didn’t know how to approach that situation. I became paranoid, thinking that her, Brian and Adam had an alliance and that Jon, Julie and I were coming up on the hit list. I think that winning immunity today was pretty clutch for me. I’m not sure what Alyssa’s personal strategy is – but if she was trying to sell me on something, she doesn’t know who she thinks is shopping. Immediately we needed to decide who was going to be the RA. She suggested I take the position, and I suppose others may have insisted that “No – you should be it.” But honestly – this enables me to have the final say in tomorrow’s elimination, so I was cool with her suggestion. We made an agreement on how she can earn my trust, and I hope everything goes as planned.
This game is one huge court case. If you plan on pursuing a career in law – there are three scenes in Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar you must examine. The power of persuasion and groups combined with reverse psychology and a little luck is a classic central conflict that makes for what is apparently, good reality radio.
- RA taz?
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Fulcrum Taz
The introduction was 16 days ago. The resolution is 16 days from now. We are currently experiencing conflicts, characterizations, rising actions (more dramatic than expository), and climax. A.K.A. we are in transition.
Do I consider winning tomorrow’s immunity challenge vital? No.
A little more than convenient? Of course.
The reward challenge today got me pretty pumped. It meant a lot when Alyssa and Jon elected me team captain, and I immediately thought to myself, Brian and Adam see their families everyday here – I want to see my video message.
I won the coin toss and felt good about what was to follow. Essentially we wanted Brian’s team to go first to see how many runs we needed to win. Adam and Brian both got a homerun each. So then we were having some difficulty coming through, but finally I made some solid contact with the little plastic (McDonald playhouse) balls and got two homeruns. In overtime I hit another, and I was ecstatic.
My team was rewarded with the video messages and I lost it. It meant so much to me that my parents came to the studio to pre-record something. I hate crying in front of people – but it was a humbling experience. After hearing my parents reassure me that they were proud and supportive, I felt like I had more than just myself to win this competition for.
I felt less guilty about burning this last month of my summer in here, and I found out that my parents are capable of reading my blogs. J Taz Trivia: My favorite color is green.
After the challenge the day trickled by as usual. We occupied our time by napping, playing games and waiting for dinner (which I was extremely fortunate to have also been rewarded with a meal of my choice, delivered by my parents).
We attempted to entertain our regular crowd and most of us began to partake in a little hobby known as Blowout in the Afternoons. Perhaps you have seen it advertised in the blogs of my colleagues. I really like trying to be a funny guy, doing improv and chilling with everyone and pretending to have a talk show on a mic – it kills a half hour. But I’m not so fond of bashing on kids. I know what its like to be made fun of. And it’s absolutely not a cool feeling.
Now I considered editing this from tonight’s blog, because I don’t want people to think that I think I’m a saint. I’m definitely guilty of telling some cruel jokes and I would retract each one with my teeth like nails from concrete if I ever offended anyone. Today I tried to sort of lead by example and just not participate, but I realize I’m going to have to speak my mind even if it costs me a sort of bond I share with everyone else. So maybe tomorrow before the immunity challenge when we try to relieve the inevitable tension and anxiety via humor, I’ll just give my opinion.
As far as game play and strategy – I feel like I have a couple of good pocket cards… I think tomorrow’s immunity challenge will be the first card on the flop – and then I’ll see what I’m willing to bet. (I’m addicted to metaphors).
Other than that, yeh – I let All Out Alyssa give me a Mohawk (hairstyle not Honda).
And some of my favorite visitors came by with a huge quilt-like Last Student Standing card. It consisted of extremely intricate designs and elaborate décor. It made the day a million times better and we’re proudly displaying it on our wall.
The one thing I’ve truly experienced in here: Ten Ninety Rule
“Life is 10 % what happens to you, and 90 % how you react to it.”
- Tango Alpha Zeta
Do I consider winning tomorrow’s immunity challenge vital? No.
A little more than convenient? Of course.
The reward challenge today got me pretty pumped. It meant a lot when Alyssa and Jon elected me team captain, and I immediately thought to myself, Brian and Adam see their families everyday here – I want to see my video message.
I won the coin toss and felt good about what was to follow. Essentially we wanted Brian’s team to go first to see how many runs we needed to win. Adam and Brian both got a homerun each. So then we were having some difficulty coming through, but finally I made some solid contact with the little plastic (McDonald playhouse) balls and got two homeruns. In overtime I hit another, and I was ecstatic.
My team was rewarded with the video messages and I lost it. It meant so much to me that my parents came to the studio to pre-record something. I hate crying in front of people – but it was a humbling experience. After hearing my parents reassure me that they were proud and supportive, I felt like I had more than just myself to win this competition for.
I felt less guilty about burning this last month of my summer in here, and I found out that my parents are capable of reading my blogs. J Taz Trivia: My favorite color is green.
After the challenge the day trickled by as usual. We occupied our time by napping, playing games and waiting for dinner (which I was extremely fortunate to have also been rewarded with a meal of my choice, delivered by my parents).
We attempted to entertain our regular crowd and most of us began to partake in a little hobby known as Blowout in the Afternoons. Perhaps you have seen it advertised in the blogs of my colleagues. I really like trying to be a funny guy, doing improv and chilling with everyone and pretending to have a talk show on a mic – it kills a half hour. But I’m not so fond of bashing on kids. I know what its like to be made fun of. And it’s absolutely not a cool feeling.
Now I considered editing this from tonight’s blog, because I don’t want people to think that I think I’m a saint. I’m definitely guilty of telling some cruel jokes and I would retract each one with my teeth like nails from concrete if I ever offended anyone. Today I tried to sort of lead by example and just not participate, but I realize I’m going to have to speak my mind even if it costs me a sort of bond I share with everyone else. So maybe tomorrow before the immunity challenge when we try to relieve the inevitable tension and anxiety via humor, I’ll just give my opinion.
As far as game play and strategy – I feel like I have a couple of good pocket cards… I think tomorrow’s immunity challenge will be the first card on the flop – and then I’ll see what I’m willing to bet. (I’m addicted to metaphors).
Other than that, yeh – I let All Out Alyssa give me a Mohawk (hairstyle not Honda).
And some of my favorite visitors came by with a huge quilt-like Last Student Standing card. It consisted of extremely intricate designs and elaborate décor. It made the day a million times better and we’re proudly displaying it on our wall.
The one thing I’ve truly experienced in here: Ten Ninety Rule
“Life is 10 % what happens to you, and 90 % how you react to it.”
- Tango Alpha Zeta
Monday, August 4, 2008
15. Two week anniversary – tragically unromantic.
15. Two week anniversary – tragically unromantic.
Behind leather. Metal. Acid. We would drip autumn sweat And drink (heated) wine
Children of the wind – to catch and Upstream South, a downstream north.
Tide-washed-cotton-tees
Ocean-born-nomadic-fleas
A California vampire, in the New York Times Mangoes powder sweet fruit
Coconut and limes. A chaser to lead, a starter to follow Some anti-logic and romance saved for tomorrow//They dreamed in their sleep//Their lives were tragic
So they found their nights to be lit by magic
I wrote that about four years ago… surprised I could remember.
Big shout out to Scotty. And our 6 after-hours visitors – whom we intend to chill with and who are cordially invited to our party/LSS reunion 8/24.
All the world is a stage – but fate goes ever as fate must.
Every day I’m playing tug of war with twizzlers on eggshells. Trying to stay entertained, trying to stay friends, trying not to offend anyone and be here to the end.
Brian’s sick. Hope he gets better. Hope I don’t get sick. Hope Tanch is reading this. Hope everyone is enjoying Last Student Standing. Hope I win tomorrow’s reward challenge. Hope me being stuck in here can put a smile on three faces every day. Hope people don’t hate my blogs. Hope is a funny-looking word once over-analyzed, but a vital concept in my opinion. I hear its good to write down your goals and reference them often (Power of positive thinking? Self-prophecy? The Secret?) So
To win Last Student Standing deservingly
To befriend everyone affiliated with Last Student Standing, including my ‘opponents’
To introduce people to my ‘situation’ and show I’m just a person like everyone else, and that everyone deserves respect
To offer supple reading material? (Cocky, I realize, but one must compensate – word play).
It is odd to lie down at night and think that someone in this room will win this prize.
It is exhilarating to imagine it will be me.
If and when our time does come
Had we not gone to the sun
Is science fired, or progress ablaze
Our knowledge limited to the e x t e n t of our days?
Happy Bday to CM and KR. MM hang in there kid we’ll be in the 813 soon.
Mom and dad – if you figured out how to read this – I love you.
- tazzy baby
Behind leather. Metal. Acid. We would drip autumn sweat And drink (heated) wine
Children of the wind – to catch and Upstream South, a downstream north.
Tide-washed-cotton-tees
Ocean-born-nomadic-fleas
A California vampire, in the New York Times Mangoes powder sweet fruit
Coconut and limes. A chaser to lead, a starter to follow Some anti-logic and romance saved for tomorrow//They dreamed in their sleep//Their lives were tragic
So they found their nights to be lit by magic
I wrote that about four years ago… surprised I could remember.
Big shout out to Scotty. And our 6 after-hours visitors – whom we intend to chill with and who are cordially invited to our party/LSS reunion 8/24.
All the world is a stage – but fate goes ever as fate must.
Every day I’m playing tug of war with twizzlers on eggshells. Trying to stay entertained, trying to stay friends, trying not to offend anyone and be here to the end.
Brian’s sick. Hope he gets better. Hope I don’t get sick. Hope Tanch is reading this. Hope everyone is enjoying Last Student Standing. Hope I win tomorrow’s reward challenge. Hope me being stuck in here can put a smile on three faces every day. Hope people don’t hate my blogs. Hope is a funny-looking word once over-analyzed, but a vital concept in my opinion. I hear its good to write down your goals and reference them often (Power of positive thinking? Self-prophecy? The Secret?) So
To win Last Student Standing deservingly
To befriend everyone affiliated with Last Student Standing, including my ‘opponents’
To introduce people to my ‘situation’ and show I’m just a person like everyone else, and that everyone deserves respect
To offer supple reading material? (Cocky, I realize, but one must compensate – word play).
It is odd to lie down at night and think that someone in this room will win this prize.
It is exhilarating to imagine it will be me.
If and when our time does come
Had we not gone to the sun
Is science fired, or progress ablaze
Our knowledge limited to the e x t e n t of our days?
Happy Bday to CM and KR. MM hang in there kid we’ll be in the 813 soon.
Mom and dad – if you figured out how to read this – I love you.
- tazzy baby
Sunday, August 3, 2008
I'm just people watching other people watching me
I have not been living in a mall for the past two weeks in a faux dorm room for the appeasement of the public eye. I have actually been selected under the most grueling pre-requisites to participate in an elite training system designed specifically to allow for the augmentation of every life skill. (I know this to be true, even though they have not yet confirmed it).
For instance, I can now, fourteen days in, glance at any inanimate object and be momentarily entertained. I can combat groups of fellow trainees with pillows and beanbags. I can fall asleep at any time.
At dinner I realized just how removed I am from my former life. I actually felt a rush of panic as I scrambled my mind to try and recall where it is that FCC is located. I actually feel like I’m studying a semester abroad. Going away to this school I have a deeper understanding of the love I have for my parents and how it cannot be deterred.
The reflection of what I have experienced is mirrored by my every action. Having so much time to think scares me. It holds an incredible potential for either success or catastrophe. “I’m just people watching other people watching me.”
I see a child running wildly in the mall and how easily they trust everything. “Faith like a child.” And my heart softens – I feel my muscles ease up as I meditate or relax my thoughts. It’s not long after that, however, I can all too clearly envision an assassination. In my minds eye I picture demise. The only part I can control is its target.
Everything lately seems unmovable with the weight of truth. Not even a heartfelt story or a playful wink can shake a molecule of what is permanently encased by shimmering lies.
I can read some people’s minds that walk by and I contemplate their prospects; Is youth really wasted on the young? Is this entire ordeal a compromise of morals? Am I crazy?
And I wish I could explain to them why I’m here and what the rules are and how it isn’t easy. Even then, they’ll have their opinions.
I feel for Adam a bit. He got the listener vote last week to be expelled, and I was informed by a reliable source that it was due to the fact that people dislike how he claims to be Christian, then tells stories about girlfriends or drinking. But I can’t imagine being so settled in a faith at such a young age without experiencing certain things first. (Reference Billy Joel’s ‘Only The Good Die Young’ for my position on the subject). But I hope maybe he eases up some from hitting on the girls. That was how he rubbed Rachel the wrong way.
But it does make tensions pretty high. We’re all getting on each other’s nerves. And I don’t think that competing within a competition is the greatest idea either – but all we do is play board games, or pool, or karaoke – and it all sort of boils down to greater tensions.
At this point, its awesome to have fans come up to the mall and show love with signs. It was incredible to see my aunt and uncle today, although I’m not quite sure if they know as much about my transition as the rest of the Capital Region… But chances are, they’ll soon find out? Oh boy.
Do I have a hit list?
An alliance? A secret alliance?
The way I trust people here is like reading Braille with no sense of touch.
My strategy? Temporarily stay sane. Don’t piss people off… - Camo-taz
For instance, I can now, fourteen days in, glance at any inanimate object and be momentarily entertained. I can combat groups of fellow trainees with pillows and beanbags. I can fall asleep at any time.
At dinner I realized just how removed I am from my former life. I actually felt a rush of panic as I scrambled my mind to try and recall where it is that FCC is located. I actually feel like I’m studying a semester abroad. Going away to this school I have a deeper understanding of the love I have for my parents and how it cannot be deterred.
The reflection of what I have experienced is mirrored by my every action. Having so much time to think scares me. It holds an incredible potential for either success or catastrophe. “I’m just people watching other people watching me.”
I see a child running wildly in the mall and how easily they trust everything. “Faith like a child.” And my heart softens – I feel my muscles ease up as I meditate or relax my thoughts. It’s not long after that, however, I can all too clearly envision an assassination. In my minds eye I picture demise. The only part I can control is its target.
Everything lately seems unmovable with the weight of truth. Not even a heartfelt story or a playful wink can shake a molecule of what is permanently encased by shimmering lies.
I can read some people’s minds that walk by and I contemplate their prospects; Is youth really wasted on the young? Is this entire ordeal a compromise of morals? Am I crazy?
And I wish I could explain to them why I’m here and what the rules are and how it isn’t easy. Even then, they’ll have their opinions.
I feel for Adam a bit. He got the listener vote last week to be expelled, and I was informed by a reliable source that it was due to the fact that people dislike how he claims to be Christian, then tells stories about girlfriends or drinking. But I can’t imagine being so settled in a faith at such a young age without experiencing certain things first. (Reference Billy Joel’s ‘Only The Good Die Young’ for my position on the subject). But I hope maybe he eases up some from hitting on the girls. That was how he rubbed Rachel the wrong way.
But it does make tensions pretty high. We’re all getting on each other’s nerves. And I don’t think that competing within a competition is the greatest idea either – but all we do is play board games, or pool, or karaoke – and it all sort of boils down to greater tensions.
At this point, its awesome to have fans come up to the mall and show love with signs. It was incredible to see my aunt and uncle today, although I’m not quite sure if they know as much about my transition as the rest of the Capital Region… But chances are, they’ll soon find out? Oh boy.
Do I have a hit list?
An alliance? A secret alliance?
The way I trust people here is like reading Braille with no sense of touch.
My strategy? Temporarily stay sane. Don’t piss people off… - Camo-taz
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Shakespearean Bunburying
Lucky number thirteen… I almost begin to feel guilty for such an intense dedication to materialistic prizes – but I know it’s worth it and I’m fortunate for such a unique experience. I am becoming leeched of inspiring thoughts and I feel like I’m in high school again when all I would do is dream of being someplace out and let everything else drone out around me. Emotions peak when everything else is flat-lined.
I suppose part of me is just bitter; a small sting of jealousy that Brian and Adams’ parents show up everyday. Sometimes I feel closer to the strangers in the mall than I do to my roommates and visitors. I can feel sadness in my eyes today even before I see people’s reactions to them. Julie says she’s much happier to be in here when its raining outside, but I feel the opposite. There is nothing like the anticipating smell before the rain, and the edgy stillness afterwards. This competition is the rain.
Today’s tone was horrendous. I felt like everyone was ganging up on me from the start; I honestly have no clue whom to trust. And everyone is getting on my nerves. Perhaps the verge of insanity? The exact same stimulation everyday, so much so that a single word from someone else, or even your own thoughts can trigger the deepest emotions. The kind you feel in your body; your organs and bones. You feel moved to cry but know you cant. When you would rather be sleeping so that maybe your dreams can act as some sort of distraction and you can play movies against the screen of your eyelids – fearing any infiltration of the florescent lights that hang above. You should not fear light – but in 5 weeks of darkness (dramatic, I know), one cannot expect much else.
One of my hobbies has become Shakespearean Bunburrying* - call me a nostalgic bard, but it helps. I recall past summer memories and try to convince myself that they were so intense, they compensate for my lack of accomplishment meanwhile. I relive moments of romances, or adventures. I remember fragrances and sounds. The comfort of brewing coffee swirling in a dusty air as strangers shared their poetry and music. The enticement of a girls perfume while her hair brushed on my shoulders as we shared a dance or embraced. The soundtrack to every summer – my favorite songs to listen to while I drove barefoot after a game of soccer, the chirping crickets (that I never notice are singing until in between their songs), and the rustling of green tea leaves and suburban chimes reverberating the sun-soaked cement as I walked between pages of a night.
Pardon my run-on sentences – it’s far more enjoyable to write and then re-read these memories than it is to paint barely-vivid images on floor tiles.
Currently my roommates are attempting to determine the upcoming events of the competition. I appreciate their efforts, but also simultaneously feel it’s futile; this entire rainy gamble is unpredictable.
My parents came to see me today – twice in two weeks. And while I am jealous of Brian and Adam’s constant support, I also feel quite content. Much more settled. I will hold on to that feeling and try to keep a lighter air about my surroundings here. Humor has always been my means of coping. I won’t let people bother me (the kind of people who while listening to what you are saying, are only concerned with what they will say next). Ok they will bother me but I’ll ignore it. I need to listen and take everything in. Let others construct their offense while I focus on sweeping up the debris.
* Shakespearean Bunburrying: N. (root unknown) Shakespeare was well known for his brilliant characterization – some were so impressed by it that they said he could jump into the minds of others so he would know everything about their character (The Great Bard).
Bunbury is an unfortunate make-believe invalid from Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest, whom the protagonist always claims he is visiting. He makes these claims under the false pretenses that while he is in the country, his pal Bunbury is ill in the city, thus he must leave, and of course while he is in town – his buddy has become sick in the country and he must visit. Thus, while I am in LSS, I mimic the Great Bard by jumping into the characters (that are myself in previous circumstances) by Bunburying.
- taz
I suppose part of me is just bitter; a small sting of jealousy that Brian and Adams’ parents show up everyday. Sometimes I feel closer to the strangers in the mall than I do to my roommates and visitors. I can feel sadness in my eyes today even before I see people’s reactions to them. Julie says she’s much happier to be in here when its raining outside, but I feel the opposite. There is nothing like the anticipating smell before the rain, and the edgy stillness afterwards. This competition is the rain.
Today’s tone was horrendous. I felt like everyone was ganging up on me from the start; I honestly have no clue whom to trust. And everyone is getting on my nerves. Perhaps the verge of insanity? The exact same stimulation everyday, so much so that a single word from someone else, or even your own thoughts can trigger the deepest emotions. The kind you feel in your body; your organs and bones. You feel moved to cry but know you cant. When you would rather be sleeping so that maybe your dreams can act as some sort of distraction and you can play movies against the screen of your eyelids – fearing any infiltration of the florescent lights that hang above. You should not fear light – but in 5 weeks of darkness (dramatic, I know), one cannot expect much else.
One of my hobbies has become Shakespearean Bunburrying* - call me a nostalgic bard, but it helps. I recall past summer memories and try to convince myself that they were so intense, they compensate for my lack of accomplishment meanwhile. I relive moments of romances, or adventures. I remember fragrances and sounds. The comfort of brewing coffee swirling in a dusty air as strangers shared their poetry and music. The enticement of a girls perfume while her hair brushed on my shoulders as we shared a dance or embraced. The soundtrack to every summer – my favorite songs to listen to while I drove barefoot after a game of soccer, the chirping crickets (that I never notice are singing until in between their songs), and the rustling of green tea leaves and suburban chimes reverberating the sun-soaked cement as I walked between pages of a night.
Pardon my run-on sentences – it’s far more enjoyable to write and then re-read these memories than it is to paint barely-vivid images on floor tiles.
Currently my roommates are attempting to determine the upcoming events of the competition. I appreciate their efforts, but also simultaneously feel it’s futile; this entire rainy gamble is unpredictable.
My parents came to see me today – twice in two weeks. And while I am jealous of Brian and Adam’s constant support, I also feel quite content. Much more settled. I will hold on to that feeling and try to keep a lighter air about my surroundings here. Humor has always been my means of coping. I won’t let people bother me (the kind of people who while listening to what you are saying, are only concerned with what they will say next). Ok they will bother me but I’ll ignore it. I need to listen and take everything in. Let others construct their offense while I focus on sweeping up the debris.
* Shakespearean Bunburrying: N. (root unknown) Shakespeare was well known for his brilliant characterization – some were so impressed by it that they said he could jump into the minds of others so he would know everything about their character (The Great Bard).
Bunbury is an unfortunate make-believe invalid from Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest, whom the protagonist always claims he is visiting. He makes these claims under the false pretenses that while he is in the country, his pal Bunbury is ill in the city, thus he must leave, and of course while he is in town – his buddy has become sick in the country and he must visit. Thus, while I am in LSS, I mimic the Great Bard by jumping into the characters (that are myself in previous circumstances) by Bunburying.
- taz
Friday, August 1, 2008
On the twelfth day of LSS...
*On the twelfth day of LSS my conscience said to me….
Keep on serenading
Friendships marinating
Barely entertaining
Everyone’s complaining
6 stu-dents left…..
[ Random joke: How do you find a blind man in a strip club? ]
*I guess I realize the inevitable:
Compliance in alliances
Rely on denying lies in defense
Defying suspense by spying pretense
I find myself supplying a fence
*And I guess I suppose I ought to stop fighting gravity and fall to either side. The whole ordeal is an enormous gamble. Betting on whom you can trust and what cards they hold.
It is similar to deciphering an unwritten code. Reading between the lines that are drifting mid-air and waiting for someone to lure them in and interpret them however they please.
Which is extremely UN-reassuring.
Fun fact: today was my scheduled date for top surgery…hopefully it will have been worth it to post-pone.
And yesterday’s plans to dominate in today’s rewards challenge fell through. (Disregard any comments made by Abstinence Adam; many will attest that my beer pong skills are much better than any egg-toss display today – which I refuse to comment on). Also I didn’t call Tanch ‘ma’ I merely said ‘man’ in a Jamaican accent and lost some reception there at the last minute. This is a test to see if he is reading my blog.
So this means at the next immunity challenge I should probably win. I just feel like momentum is key – Brian walks around like he’s the ish and it kinda pisses me off. Winning a game of pool… but then after I win, he wont rack? Small things like that. Maybe I’m being immature about it. One thing is evident – when the girls were gone for their reward, we were pretty bored and I realized just how much of Adam and Brian’s personalities depend on who is around to impress. Interesting.
One huge thank you for everyone who keeps on visiting me and supporting me – I know it’s awkward through a glass wall, but it really means a lot.
The punch line: It’s not hard.
Ciao for now
- tazwald Cornelius maximus
Keep on serenading
Friendships marinating
Barely entertaining
Everyone’s complaining
6 stu-dents left…..
[ Random joke: How do you find a blind man in a strip club? ]
*I guess I realize the inevitable:
Compliance in alliances
Rely on denying lies in defense
Defying suspense by spying pretense
I find myself supplying a fence
*And I guess I suppose I ought to stop fighting gravity and fall to either side. The whole ordeal is an enormous gamble. Betting on whom you can trust and what cards they hold.
It is similar to deciphering an unwritten code. Reading between the lines that are drifting mid-air and waiting for someone to lure them in and interpret them however they please.
Which is extremely UN-reassuring.
Fun fact: today was my scheduled date for top surgery…hopefully it will have been worth it to post-pone.
And yesterday’s plans to dominate in today’s rewards challenge fell through. (Disregard any comments made by Abstinence Adam; many will attest that my beer pong skills are much better than any egg-toss display today – which I refuse to comment on). Also I didn’t call Tanch ‘ma’ I merely said ‘man’ in a Jamaican accent and lost some reception there at the last minute. This is a test to see if he is reading my blog.
So this means at the next immunity challenge I should probably win. I just feel like momentum is key – Brian walks around like he’s the ish and it kinda pisses me off. Winning a game of pool… but then after I win, he wont rack? Small things like that. Maybe I’m being immature about it. One thing is evident – when the girls were gone for their reward, we were pretty bored and I realized just how much of Adam and Brian’s personalities depend on who is around to impress. Interesting.
One huge thank you for everyone who keeps on visiting me and supporting me – I know it’s awkward through a glass wall, but it really means a lot.
The punch line: It’s not hard.
Ciao for now
- tazwald Cornelius maximus
Day 11…..
Day 11….. (Taz Trivia: Eleven is my favorite number).
Lets out dramatic sigh. Emo day I suppose. On a personal level I hated to see Rachel go. Competitively speaking it was wise. The grains fell slower today. An unsettled mix of sadness and boredom stuck to the walls like cake batter; it seemed that every option for entertainment had previously been exhausted or was simply unentertaining.
Eventually the tone eased up and we distracted ourselves. It’s a good thing I was bred and fed by a culture that thrives upon mindless escapism; guitar hero sufficed once more.
I shaved. I’m trying to have my facial hair grow in a bit to somehow divert attention from my baby face. Then I guess I got carried away, I let Alyssa give me a double edge and then shave ‘taz’ in the back of my head. Bringing the 90’s back? It’s all good – intimidation factor is there right…
I know the alliance is going to shatter soon. There are only six of us left and so someone has to start plotting. I think Adam is a bit shaken up from receiving some votes this morning, so something tells me him and Brian are teaming up. The two of them are my biggest threats. I’m going to have to be a little more observant, and make sure I remain a dynamic character in the house – no one will want to stick around a dull guy for a week straight.
I was actually contemplating pairing up with Brian to snipe everyone else and then let it boil down to a pure competition in the end. At this point I’m very hesitant to initiate any sort of alliance; they usually backfire. Obviously I have no clue who I can trust. My safest bet is to win immunity and sway some of the leadership. Hopefully I can gain some momentum by winning tomorrow’s Rewards Challenge; plus it would be nice to veer from the usual routine.
So parts of me are superstitious and I do look pretty far into things. My right palm was itching earlier this morning, which means I’m going to meet someone new. And in my dreams I have been on hunts, searching for something. I guess I feel like things are being kept from me. And maybe the stranger I have yet to meet is the other side of someone else. Or a different side of me.
One thing that’s nice about being cooped up in a dorm room is the opportunity to people watch. The unfortunate thing about people watching, is that my only opportunity to write what I observe is at night when I blog. Thus, the perpetual tedium of my current existence meshing in with the aforementioned cake batter truly makes for some un-intriguing writing. My apologies.
Sincerely, The flirt.
Lets out dramatic sigh. Emo day I suppose. On a personal level I hated to see Rachel go. Competitively speaking it was wise. The grains fell slower today. An unsettled mix of sadness and boredom stuck to the walls like cake batter; it seemed that every option for entertainment had previously been exhausted or was simply unentertaining.
Eventually the tone eased up and we distracted ourselves. It’s a good thing I was bred and fed by a culture that thrives upon mindless escapism; guitar hero sufficed once more.
I shaved. I’m trying to have my facial hair grow in a bit to somehow divert attention from my baby face. Then I guess I got carried away, I let Alyssa give me a double edge and then shave ‘taz’ in the back of my head. Bringing the 90’s back? It’s all good – intimidation factor is there right…
I know the alliance is going to shatter soon. There are only six of us left and so someone has to start plotting. I think Adam is a bit shaken up from receiving some votes this morning, so something tells me him and Brian are teaming up. The two of them are my biggest threats. I’m going to have to be a little more observant, and make sure I remain a dynamic character in the house – no one will want to stick around a dull guy for a week straight.
I was actually contemplating pairing up with Brian to snipe everyone else and then let it boil down to a pure competition in the end. At this point I’m very hesitant to initiate any sort of alliance; they usually backfire. Obviously I have no clue who I can trust. My safest bet is to win immunity and sway some of the leadership. Hopefully I can gain some momentum by winning tomorrow’s Rewards Challenge; plus it would be nice to veer from the usual routine.
So parts of me are superstitious and I do look pretty far into things. My right palm was itching earlier this morning, which means I’m going to meet someone new. And in my dreams I have been on hunts, searching for something. I guess I feel like things are being kept from me. And maybe the stranger I have yet to meet is the other side of someone else. Or a different side of me.
One thing that’s nice about being cooped up in a dorm room is the opportunity to people watch. The unfortunate thing about people watching, is that my only opportunity to write what I observe is at night when I blog. Thus, the perpetual tedium of my current existence meshing in with the aforementioned cake batter truly makes for some un-intriguing writing. My apologies.
Sincerely, The flirt.
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