Shakespearean Bunburying

Lucky number thirteen… I almost begin to feel guilty for such an intense dedication to materialistic prizes – but I know it’s worth it and I’m fortunate for such a unique experience. I am becoming leeched of inspiring thoughts and I feel like I’m in high school again when all I would do is dream of being someplace out and let everything else drone out around me. Emotions peak when everything else is flat-lined.
I suppose part of me is just bitter; a small sting of jealousy that Brian and Adams’ parents show up everyday. Sometimes I feel closer to the strangers in the mall than I do to my roommates and visitors. I can feel sadness in my eyes today even before I see people’s reactions to them. Julie says she’s much happier to be in here when its raining outside, but I feel the opposite. There is nothing like the anticipating smell before the rain, and the edgy stillness afterwards. This competition is the rain.
Today’s tone was horrendous. I felt like everyone was ganging up on me from the start; I honestly have no clue whom to trust. And everyone is getting on my nerves. Perhaps the verge of insanity? The exact same stimulation everyday, so much so that a single word from someone else, or even your own thoughts can trigger the deepest emotions. The kind you feel in your body; your organs and bones. You feel moved to cry but know you cant. When you would rather be sleeping so that maybe your dreams can act as some sort of distraction and you can play movies against the screen of your eyelids – fearing any infiltration of the florescent lights that hang above. You should not fear light – but in 5 weeks of darkness (dramatic, I know), one cannot expect much else.
One of my hobbies has become Shakespearean Bunburrying* - call me a nostalgic bard, but it helps. I recall past summer memories and try to convince myself that they were so intense, they compensate for my lack of accomplishment meanwhile. I relive moments of romances, or adventures. I remember fragrances and sounds. The comfort of brewing coffee swirling in a dusty air as strangers shared their poetry and music. The enticement of a girls perfume while her hair brushed on my shoulders as we shared a dance or embraced. The soundtrack to every summer – my favorite songs to listen to while I drove barefoot after a game of soccer, the chirping crickets (that I never notice are singing until in between their songs), and the rustling of green tea leaves and suburban chimes reverberating the sun-soaked cement as I walked between pages of a night.
Pardon my run-on sentences – it’s far more enjoyable to write and then re-read these memories than it is to paint barely-vivid images on floor tiles.
Currently my roommates are attempting to determine the upcoming events of the competition. I appreciate their efforts, but also simultaneously feel it’s futile; this entire rainy gamble is unpredictable.
My parents came to see me today – twice in two weeks. And while I am jealous of Brian and Adam’s constant support, I also feel quite content. Much more settled. I will hold on to that feeling and try to keep a lighter air about my surroundings here. Humor has always been my means of coping. I won’t let people bother me (the kind of people who while listening to what you are saying, are only concerned with what they will say next). Ok they will bother me but I’ll ignore it. I need to listen and take everything in. Let others construct their offense while I focus on sweeping up the debris.
* Shakespearean Bunburrying: N. (root unknown) Shakespeare was well known for his brilliant characterization – some were so impressed by it that they said he could jump into the minds of others so he would know everything about their character (The Great Bard).
Bunbury is an unfortunate make-believe invalid from Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest, whom the protagonist always claims he is visiting. He makes these claims under the false pretenses that while he is in the country, his pal Bunbury is ill in the city, thus he must leave, and of course while he is in town – his buddy has become sick in the country and he must visit. Thus, while I am in LSS, I mimic the Great Bard by jumping into the characters (that are myself in previous circumstances) by Bunburying.
- taz